In the midst of my trials and tribulation over the last couple of days, I received an email.
I thought he had forgotten about me, but Supershadow is back, and this time with some rather startling and cheerful news about smoking.
I write once again in protest at the smog porn promoted on your site- Can you go one week without mentioning tobacco?
At a recent Jedi meeting we had a discussion on the issues of climate change, Smoking and The driving forces behind these issues, most notably – the Alpha male.
Smoking is linked to climate change
Every puff rises into the ionosphere reflecting back the suns rays and causing temperatures to rise thus causing the caps to melt. We estimate it takes about 300 puffs to cause the drowning of a single polar bear due to melting icebergs.
What will your grandchildren think years after you are gone? Just imagine them standing in their front garden with a 1250 ft Climate Change induced Tsunami coming towards them?
Why didn't he put the food in the organic waste bin?
Why could he not get rid of the infernal pipe he was always smoking?
Why did he make so many unnecessary trips to the village instead of shopping online?
Wow! I never knew that? 300 puffs can kill a polar bear? Fuck me!
Now let's see. I have never counted how many puffs I take in a day, but we will assume around a hundred? So every day, I massacre three Polar Bears. How tragic? But I am only one of around a million smokers in Ireland, and people in the UK smoke too? They must account for another 7.5 million bears every day? And what about China and Russia? They smoke by the billion so billions of Polar Bears are being killed every single day? Those fucking bears must be breeding like the clappers to keep up with their losses? Talk about mass production!
I never knew tsunamis were caused by Warble Gloaming. I obviously live a life of sublime ignorance, as I always thought they were caused by earthquakes? I had no idea that Warble Gloaming was going to be so sudden that I could stand in my front garden so I could actually watch it coming.
But there's more……
Smoking empowers terrorism
Imagine a terrorist who does not want to look suspicious. If he is a non smoker and stands in a doorway for a long period of time he will arouse suspicion. However if he is smoking people will not take any notice as they will conclude he is just having a smoke thus allowing him to wreck havoc.
Well now, you can't blame me for that one. You can blame those cunts who demand that we smoke outdoors. If it weren't for them we'd be smoking happily indoors, which means there would be no terrorism. You're shooting at the wrong target here, SS.
I will refer you to the following speech given at the meeting by Jedi Exar Kras
" Throughout the 60's and 70's Hollywood movies were dominated by misogynist Marlboro men.
The protagonist was always a smoking drinking Aggressive Alpha male such as John Wayne or Clint Eastwood. Women, transgender, disabled, effete men never got to be hero's. This is why we must be proud of star wars today as the main protagonist is a woman. For the next movie we must encourage Abrams to go further than Lucas ever dreamed. I foresee the day when someone in a wheelchair will play the hero in a movie.
This will be in keeping with the new Jedi ideals of seamlessly integrated Sustainable Inclusiveness."
No doubt Grandad you are asking what kind of men do we want in an eco-jedi society?
I can only give you a concrete example- Karsten Nordal Hauken is a Norwegian politician. He was raped by an immigrant. When the Immigrant was threatened with deportation by the police Karsten begged them not to do it as he felt guilty and the perpetrator came from a bad background.
To Quote Hauken:
"I see him mostly like a product of an unfair world, a product of an upbringing marked by war and despair."
Could you imagine the likes of Robert Mitchim taking such an attitude?
One of the star wars characters I have always despised is the Han Solo Character played by Harrison Ford.
Over the years I have written numerous times to George Lucas to have this Character Digitally removed from the films and replaced by a more sensitive male like the Norwegian Gentleman above. The entire Collection could then be re-released as the 'Definitive Equality Edition'
Under Jedi rule, Each region will be provided with an 'Inclusiveness Momentum Champion'.
The job of the IMC will be to visit schools, theatres etc to ensure all groups are represented equally in plays, TV shows and films.
Ultimately Grandad Jedi rule will mean one smoke free world of total equality , total safety and load balanced inclusiveness.
Mickey Earl Suttle (aka the Supershadow)
To be honest, I'm not sure what you are on about here. Are you saying you are gay? Transgender? Not that it bothers me either way. Many years ago I knitted a cardigan for my daughter [and sent her to school in it] but I gave up my feminine side after that episode and its disastrous consequences.
I will be honest with you SS. Your vision of a future world sounds to me like a vision of hell. No diversity? No individual thought? No fucking smoking?
I sincerely hope I am long dead before it comes about.
P.S. I forgot to mention – shopping in the village is far more "eco friendly" than shopping on-line. A dirty diesel powered lorry has to drive over five times the distance just to deliver the goods. You really don't think things out, do you SS?