Last Sunday I scribbled a piece of whimsy about a badly researched article.

I thought I would set the record straight and write out a properly researched article to clear up any false notions about Irish Grandads.

For my research, I picked my sample of one from all the Irish Grandads who live in this house.  Yes – I have seen Tobacco Control's method of running things properly and I am applying the same rigorous standards here.  By sheer chance my name was selected from the hat, but being a Grandad, I am of course representative of all other Grandads, and an expert to boot.

Anyways, here goes.

1. Waking at eight in the morning, and then lulling myself back to sleep with the thoughts of all those poor fuckers sitting in traffic jams, trying to get in on time to work in suffocating jobs they hate.

2. Knowing that what others think doesn't matter.  Unfortunately I discovered this factoid rather late in life, and the realisation led to a life of glorious freedom.  I don't give a shite what people think of me.  If only they knew what I think of them!  Heh!

3.  Supping coffee in the village on a sunny weekday afternoon, thinking of all those poor bastards sweating in office blocks [with the evening rush-hour still ahead of them!].

4.  Not having to plan holidays.  Never having to ask permission from a boss for time off, and finding that someone else has booked before me so I have to rearrange my entire plans.

5.  Sending daytrippers and tourists up the bogs.  They all seem to see me as an expert on route finding, and they always look for directions to somewhere obscure.  I find things a lot easier if I just send them up to the mountain tops.  If they survive the local lads taking pot shots at them, and somehow avoid the maze of little bog roads up there, then I'm sure they'll enjoy the view?

6.  Always pay the cashier with small change, especially if there is a long queue.  It's expected of old folk [I hate to disappoint] and the cashiers love it as they're always short of change.  It also teaches those youngsters a drop of patience.  They'll be old too one day.

7.  Being able to wear what I like.  I have a suit which is used exclusively for funerals and major family occasions.  I think I have a tie somewhere.  The rest of the time I wear what the fuck I like, and if that means odd socks or odd shoes then what the fuck does it matter?  I have been known occasionally to wear my slippers around the village [but not pyjamas as I don't have any].  See point 2 above.

8.  Totting up a bill [and change due] while the shop assistant frantically taps on their calculator.  I always beat them to the right answer and it baffles the hell out of them. 

9.  Using my watch to tell the day of the week.  Time isn't important any more [unless I have an appointment somewhere in which case I like to be punctual].  The day of the week is important as I might want to know when to collect the pension.

10.  Being able to get away with anything.  They just think I'm a little eccentric.  Or senile.  Or both.  Do I care?

11.  Sitting in a pub watching a pint of stout settle.  That lovely moment of anticipation as the bubbles rise and the line between the black and the white become nice and crisp.  That joy never fades.

12.  Knowing that 90% of what I learned in the past is a useless crock of shit.  From my earliest schooldays they tried to mould me into being a good little Catholic or a good little Voter or a good little whatever they thought I should be.  Oh, and wanking doesn't make hairs grow on the palm of your hand, nor does smoking stunt your growth..

13.  Expanding the Grandkids' vocabulary.  There are so many rich words and phrases out there that just aren't taught in the classroom.  They may learn these words and phrases in the playground, but I prefer not to leave things to chance.  Schools don't teach them half enough to cope with the rough and tumble of life.  It's up to us older and wiser folk to fill in the gaps.  Also teaching them that everything teachers tell 'em about smoking is a pile of shite.

14.  Programming.  Yes, that looks a little out of place there, doesn't it?  I actually like to write little computer programmes purely to keep the old brain sharp.  I wouldn't do it for money as that would mean pressure and time limits.  So I invent little problems and whack up a little programme to solve 'em.  Now the younger generations come to me looking for technical advice!  Sod them and their classes for Old Folk teaching how to use email or Skype!

So there you have it.

Not at all like the list I wrote about?

A lot more accurate though.