I know the Interweb loves lists for some strange reason.

10 ways to look better; 15 ways to trap your nuts in a vice; 5 ways to bore the arse off people; you know the kind of mind-numbing crap?

I came across the eponymous 14 things only Irish grandads love today.  What a pile of steaming manure!  There isn't a single one that comes remotely near.

1. Long-winded, inappropriate jokes

My jokes are always short, filthy and appropriate.  Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

2. Waking up at 6am

Sometimes, if the dog is restless.  I just kick the dog off the bed and go back to sleep again. Ten or eleven is nearer my mark.

3. These exact trousers

Trousers?  Trousers?  I wear jeans and have done for years.  The last time I wore trousers was as part of a suit at my daughter's wedding.

4. With this exact jumper

If the temperature is below zero I might wear a jumper.  I couldn't give a shite which one so long as it keeps me warm.  The rest of the time I wear short sleeved shirts.

5. Combing their hair

If I combed my hair I would ruin my reputation in the village for my sartorial inelegance.  There's no point in combing it anyway as within five seconds it has gone back to its usual mess.  Why bother?

6. A good suit of a Sunday

Mwaaahahahahahaha!!!  See 3 above.  The last time I went willingly to Sunday mass was about fifty years ago.

7. Dancing with any woman who’ll have him

I don't dance [unless I am extremely drunk].  Now if they had said shagging…………

8. Slipping grown grandchildren a fiver

It has been known to happen.  I prefer though to pay them an hourly rate based on the backbreaking jobs I give them.  They have to learn that life isn't a free ride?

9. Snoozing in front of the telly

Now this would be understandable, given the crap they put on television these days.  Unfortunately it rarely happens.  Have they never heard of Restless Leg Syndrome?

10. Building stuff

Building stuff?  What kind of stuff?  If there is a flat-pack to be unflatted I'll do it but I don't go looking for stuff to build.  What kind of an idiot do they think I am?

11. This with dinner

A pint of milk with dinner?  What fucking planet do these people come from?  I can't remember the last time I drank a pint of milk.  Maybe sometime back in the 70s?

12. Singing, unprompted

I used to sing.  A lot.  I was part of a group where it was sort of mandatory.  The rare time now I will sing along to some track I am playing, but I only do that to tease the dog.

13. Stories about 1916

Fuck off!  It was bad enough when the granddaughter was doing a history project and asked me what I did in World War II.

14. Complete opposition to technology

Talk about stereotyping!  I could teach those youngsters a thing or two.  Actually I did until a couple of years ago.  Yes – I have my teaching diploma not to mention qualifications to go with it.  I bet they don't even know the difference between HTML and CSS themselves, and as for asking them to whack up a programme in PHP……..!

So there you have it – a headline grabbing article that is full of shit, plainly written by someone who hasn't a fucking clue about grandads apart from looking the word up on Wikipedia.

Maybe they'd like me to write a real one?