I dropped down for a haircut the other day.
This is noticeable because I'm not due one for a couple of months but there was a bit of a family do coming up, and Herself was getting stroppy about my ponytail.
Needless to say Jacinta from the hairdressers stuck her tits in my ear [looking for a bigger tip] while she washed my mane. If gossip in the pub is right [and I have no need to doubt it] then those tits have seen more handling than a doorknob in a railway station, so she could forget the tip. She also had the audacity to say that I was overdue a haircut, the cheeky mare, so I told her that it was only last May and that once a year was enough for anyone.
Anyhows, afterwards I thought I deserved a coffee, and it was a lovely warm spring day so I nipped over to the coffee shop, bought myself one and sat on the terrace outside enjoying my mug and a pipefull of baccy.
I was sitting there minding my own business when a couple of tourists came and sat at the next table. Now they saw I was puffing on the pipe so they could have chosen a table at the far end, but no – they had to sit beside me. The glances started. I could see they weren't happy, but tough shit. According to the law my place is outside so the corollary must be that their place is inside?
A short while later a couple of cyclists came in with their revolting Spandex, clacky shoes and banana helmets. They sat the other side of me so I was now getting dirty looks from both sides. I ignored them all.
I was sitting there pondering on their miseries when a lorry roared past. That got me thinking.
I did a little bit of mental gymnastics which I must admit involved a little guess work and a spot of corner cutting.
I assumed the lorry had an engine capacity of around 16 liters. Being a diesel engine [and not a 2-stroke?] I assumed it displaced 4 liters of exhaust per revolution. I assumed it was doing around 1000 revolutions per minute which means that every minute it was pumping out around 4,000 liters of exhaust per minute or 67 liters of carcinogens every second.
Now for the other side of the equation.
I assumed the volume of breath I exhaled to be around 0.5 liters. I assumed about 20 breaths per minute, so that means every minute I would exhale around 10 liters. That sounds about right? That comes out at around 0.2 liters a second. Exhaled smoke is heavily diluted and I don't exhale smoke with every breath, but I'll be generous and say that 10% of the exhaled air was tobacco smoke which means I was breathing out 0.02 litres a second.
So there we have it. A lorry produces 67 liters of shit that is definitely unhealthy, and I produce 0.02 liters of harmless odour.
And I'm the one getting the dirty looks?