I was passing through the front room yesterday when I noticed an unholy mess.

The house can be a little untidy at times, but this went way beyond a little bit of untidyness – there was soot all over the carpet and the fireplace was full of branches, twigs and even half a brick.

Fuck!

My avian friends had obviously decided that Spring had sprung and were trying to build a nest in my chimney.  Judging by the size of the branches it wasn't a small bird.  My guess is a Crow, a Pelican or a Golden Eagle.

Now I don't use that fireplace except on rare occasions during the depths of Winter but I was still rather pissed at the mess they were making and the fact that they were intent on squatting on my property without paying any rent.  Also I checked the local planning applications and the fuckers hadn't even received the requisite planning permission!  It was damned obvious that they hadn't even done an ecological impact study as they had fucked up my front room with their sustainable, renewable, eco-friendly crap.

I reached up into the neck of the flue and discovered that was at least half a tree up there and when I pulled at it, of course the thin layer of soot on the carpet became a thick layer.  I bagged the branches as they'll make great kindling.  I managed to fill a sack with a fair chunk of the Larch that grows beside the gate, which is obviously the source of their building materials [I don’t know where they bought the half brick].

Of course I swept the chimney then.  Soot came down in clouds accompanied by more of the tree.  One would have to wonder at the intelligence level of a creature that persists in dumping sack loads of branches down a black hole without achieving anything?

I don't mind sweeping chimneys.  It's a quick and simple job.  The difficulty and expenditure of energy comes afterwards when I have to clean up the mess.  I did it all anyway and admired my now clean and empty hearth.

…

This morning I passed through the front room again.

The fucking fireplace was full of branches and twigs again, though thankfully not that much soot.

So the little big fuckers were back!

Herself and I had a wee debate.  What should we do about it?  I toyed with the idea of buying one of those cage things, but that would mean shinning up and over the roof twice, every time I wanted to sweep the chimney – once to remove it and once to replace it.  Herself suggested sticking the sweeping brush up semi-permanently so it swayed in the gentle gales we get here, but I pointed out that they would probably use the rods as an extra foundation and that come the end of Summer they'd try and sell it in the property pages as a "lofty perch in excellent location with the added unique feature of a bristly thing".

I have decided to let them have at it.  Let them build their nest if they want to.  I can always stick some traffic cones in the front room, cordoning off the mess and destruction that's coming down the chimney.

If I decide to have a fire in there I will light it.  It should be interesting.  The twigs and branches that doubtless lodged all the way up to the chimney pot will catch fire and the whole thing will act like a blow torch.

It will be a nice surprise for the bird if he is sitting in his nest?

Talk about Vindaloo Arse!