It was with a sense of great relief I read an item over the weekend.
Now for obvious security reasons I haven't mentioned this before but I have a mole planted deep within the corridors of power. Naturally I quizzed him [or it could be a her – I’m not saying] about the security measures that are in force and he [or she?] told me that Dame Enda has set up a special hotline [actually the public phone in the Dáil Bar] where terrorists can phone him in advance of an attack thereby striking terror into our hearts.
So far there have been no calls [apart from one to Michael Noonan telling him to get the fuck home as his dinner is on the table] so for the time being at least, there is no cause for alarm.
I am also delighted to hear that we have a representative at the top level meetings in France – namely Garda JohnJo Reilly – who has a special seat at these meetings, beside the coffee machine at the back of the room. If he hears the word "Ireland" mentioned he is under instructions to ring his sergeant immediately who can pass on the message to the appropriate authority, assuming the sergeant isn't out beating up water meter protesters at the time.
In the event of an attack, there is a special car on standby [cleverly disguised as the courtesy car from Mick’s Garage] which will bring our emergency response team to the scene, including one Garda specially trained in the use of a Tazer.
Of course the mere fact that Dame Enda has said we are safe is enough. He has this amazing ability to talk down any problem [“the recession is over”, “Ireland is in full recovery”, “there is no need to panic”] thereby resolving any problem with his silvery tongue. He's an amazing man.
Of course there could be another reason we are safe from foreign terrorists.
Why the fuck would they want to waste their time trying to destroy this country when the gubmint is doing an excellent job for them?