I have been having some wee problems with my mobile phone lately.

For once, it's not the phone itself, but the whole mobile system.

I used to be with O2.  I always thought that was a really fucking stupid name but there were reasons why I went with them.

Then they were taken over by 3, which made me realise that maybe O2 wasn't the world's most inane name. Who the fuck thought it would be a great idea to name a company "3"?  3 is a fucking number, not a name.

Anyhows, lately my reception has been, to put it politely, really fucking shite.  Every now and then the phone beeps and tells me it has lost service.  And even when one of those little triangular bars is giving a faint glimmer of hope the chances are that I won't get a connection.  The other day I had to get in touch with the daughter so I wrote her a text.  Fucking thing failed to send.  I wrote another.  It failed too.  I tried phoning her.  No fucking connection.  I had to use the landline in the end.

Yesterday I decided to lodge a complaint.

I like to complain via email as it gives me a chance to explain precisely what is wrong.  I hate call centres, I don't trust those on-line complaint forms and worst of the lot are those little "instant chat" yokes that proliferate these days.  So I searched their website for an email address.  Could I find one?  Could I fuck! 

In the course of my searches I came across my account which showed I was nearly out of credit, so seeing as I was there I did a top-up.  My phone actually beeped to tell me that my top-up was successful.

They must have some poor sap sitting there in Head Office waiting for people to top-up because a minute later a call came in on my mobile.  I answered it but all I could hear was crackling.  I yelled at it that I couldn't hear.  I then vaguely heard a voice that sounded like it was coming from Pluto.  It was 3 calling me to see if I would like to change my billing preferences, I think.

After a couple of minutes of us shouting that we couldn't hear each other he suddenly announced that the line was clear as crystal and implied that I had been fibbing about the service.  I replied that the line was good but only because I had just climbed on the roof where the signal was better.  That's fine if I want to make an outgoing call in good weather but fuck all use for any other purpose.  It's not a very convenient if I have to climb on the roof to send a text and then wait up there for a reply?

He announced proudly that they were spending millions on upgrading the service, to which I replied that it would be better to provide any service at all in the first place.  I told him I don't want 3g or 5g or whateverthefuckit'scalled.  I don't want unlimited downloads [which I already have on my Interweb], nor to I want any of their fantastic free subscription offers [that come free with a service you pay through the nose for].  All I want is to be able to make a phone call and send the odd text.

It's not often I get a cold call where the cold caller is the one who wishes the call would end. 

I very nearly felt sorry for him.