Adults and children should be instructed by the Government to halve the amount of sugar they consume and eat almost twice as much pasta, potato and other fibrous foods, an official report is expected to say this week.

I don't know about you but as an adult no fucking gubmint is going to instruct me to do anything.

They can advise me all they like and I shall take their advice and shove it in the bin where it belongs, but the very concept of a gubmint telling me what I can and cannot eat is frankly so hilarious that it's up there with the Monty Python sketches.

So there is an epidemic of obesity and tooth decay?  Apart from the fact that neither obesity nor tooth decay is infectious my response is so fucking what?  What fucking business is it of the gubmint if I have to order my bed from a firm of steel fabricators instead of a furniture shop?  Why should they care if I haven't a tooth left in my head? 

They whinge on about obesity "costing the health service" which is quite frankly their own fault.  If they stopped nagging people about being overweight then people would be comfortable with their own bodies and wouldn't be rushing to seek medical attention.  And they can hardly complain that tooth decay is costing anyone anything as people presumably wouldn't have tooth decay if they were regular patrons of their local Dr Mengele in the dental surgery?

OK, so being a tad on the gargantuan side can lead to heart attacks and diabetes.  I'll grant you that, but all they have to do is tell that to the porkers and leave it up to them whether they want to live happily and go out in a blaze of glory, or live miserably in the hopes of an extra year or two.

Its analysis, which will also be published later this week, found space for just four squares of dark chocolate, two chocolate biscuits and a small packet of crisps as "treats" allowed during a normal week.

Oh sweet fuck! [*wipes tear of laughter from eye*]

So the poor drones are to be allowed a "treat" once a week.  How wonderfully fucking magnanimous!  Having tortured the drones by instructing them to eat nothing but raw vegetables and drink unsweetened [herbal?] tea they then allow one treat per week.  Why do I get the mental picture of prisoners being granted privileges for good behaviour?

I presume this is all a grand excuse to mug people for more tax.  There is nothing like dreaming up some idea "for the public good" and then fleecing them for extra money.  

What saddens me though is that the drones in their hundreds of thousands are going to lap this crap up [unsweetened of course] and forsake their favourite foods for a diet that would barely sustain a rabbit.

When are people going to realise that they only have one shot at life.  This is it, folks.  This is the only life you are going to get.  For fuck's sake get out there and enjoy it and ignore those mean-spirited sad humourless nannies.

Don't forget – Healthy brownie points are worthless in the afterlife.