This house has an infestation of mice.

The fucking things are annoying me, as they seem to be everywhere.

Even as I type, there are several on the floor at my feet.  And the ones around my feet aren't dead – they each have their own little disabilities and I can't decide whether to try to fix them or fuck the lot out in the bin.

You see, my main mouse died when I was on holidays.  I stuffed it into a bag, but never used it and I think that being squeezed into a very confined space for two weeks was too much for it and when I took it out, it was dead.

Well, it's not exactly dead, it's more jumpy than usual and the right-click button doesn't work any more.  So I took out my collection and went through them one by one trying each out in turn.  On some, the buttons are erratic, while on others the wheel doesn't work.  The one that I ended up with at least works but it is very fucking noisy.  It has a very loud click and I find that irritating, but more on that in a minute.

Now I don't want anything fancy.  I know they make mice these days with more controls than a Boeing 767, but I don't want all those extra fancy little bits because I will never use them.  I know that because I had one and never used anything but the wheel and the two main buttons.  I never even discovered what the other half dozen buttons did, and I don't want to know.

So my needs are very simple.

I want a mouse that has a left-click and a right-click and a little wheel I can stroke to scroll up and down.  That's not asking too much is it?

I tried looking on line and all they offer are those fucking wireless yokes which I really hate.  They chew up batteries [and die at the most inopportune moment] and they are incredibly easy to lose.  At least if the mouse has a wire attached I can gently pull on the wire until the mouse emerges from its hiding place under a cushion or down the side of the sofa.

So I have narrowed my search to a wiry mouse that plugs in and it has to be silent.

Why the silence, you ask?  Well, it's quite simple.  Herself likes to dictate what's on television and 90% of the time it's something I wouldn't watch in a million years, so while I am supposed to be watching, I sneakily open my laptop to find something more interesting [which isn’t hard] and to stop my brain exploding.  But then Herself hears the clicks and all hell breaks loose and that is something to be avoided at all costs.

So there it is.  A very simple requirement.  A mouse that has two main buttons and a wheel, that is attached by wires and is silent.  That's surely not rocket science?   Not too much to ask?

Oh, and it has to last more than a couple of weeks.