I have a problem with kettles.

Or rather, I think they have a major problem with me.

When I first set up house we got ourselves a Russell Hobbs.  It was a fine yoke and did it's job well but after a while it sprang a leak.  It was where the spout joined the body and was impossible to repair.  I dumped it and bought a new one.

The next one just died.  Something blew in the element or something but whatever it was I dumped it and bought a new one.

Over the years this has continued with renewals on a regular basis.  Finally about six years ago I bought one that was all plastic.  Whatever about the element blowing, this one wasn't going to leak.

That one boiled water beautifully and it's element seemed capable of heating a swimming pool.  The fucking thing dribbled!  The fuckers had chosen design over function and no matter how I tried to pour it, it dribbled all over the place.  It had to go.

The daughter has a Tefal which she has had for years.  I bought one of them.  It had the right shape to pour and obviously was long lasting.  After a while the fucking element blew up.  I went to replace it with the same model but couldn't find it.  I made my choice out of the dozens on offer [most of them with that damned straight-up spout that dribbles] and brought it home.  That was a year ago.

Yesterday I realised there was a large pool on the counter-top and rivulets running down the cupboards to a lake on the floor.  The fucking thing was leaking.

By this stage, whenever I buy a kettle I keep everything – the box, the packaging and even the silly little condom that slips over the plug pins.  Naturally the receipt goes into the box too.

I'm just back from Skobievlle with a new kettle.  Yer Man in the shop said I was the first person ever to bring back an eleven month old kettle in its original packaging.  To quote him – most of 'em don't even have a fuckin' receipt.

The new kettle has no joints.  It's a stainless steel pot inside a plastic casing, and the steel pot is leak proof.  It's a Tefal so hopefully it will last as long as the daughter's which must be at least ten years old.  I read the manual [after making myself a grand mug of tea] and it warns me not to use it if I'm not experienced.  I have a driving licence so that will have to do.  I also mustn't use it at any altitude above 4,000 meters so the trip to Everest is off.  I got all that from their 101 page instruction manual, which to put it mildly is quite comprehensive.

Hopefully my troubles are over.

I'm still keeping the box and packaging though.