This is a really good week.

Two online polls in two days.

Yesterday's was a piffling yes, no or maybe, whereas today's is one to really mess around with.

They want to know all about our drinking habits, with the objective of proving that we are all serial binge drinkers. 

Survey: Did you drink too much last week?

So, before we even open the page we see that they have decided what is "too much".  They have set their arbitrary line and we are to be ashamed if we cross it.  The finger wagging starts before we have even answered the first question.  They divide us into just two groups – male and female – and conveniently ignore such trivial matters as weight, height or alcohol tolerance, all of which vary wildly across society.  So whether you are a six foot six rugby player or a four stone midget [sorry – Person of Restricted Growth] then six units and you're a binge drinker.

So six units is binge drinking? Now six units according to them is three pints of beer [they don’t mention stout], so three pints is my limit and after that I'm in serious trouble?  Are they fucking serious?  I wouldn't cross the road for three pints.  That's merely an warm up for the evening ahead.  I'd spill that much on the way back from the bar and not turn a hair.  Now if they had said three days, I would take 'em more seriously.  Who are these sanctimonious cunts with their six miserable units and their wagging fingers?

Naturally I had to have some fun with their little poll. 

Having posed as a pretty heavy drinker for a few rounds, I decided to enter as a teetotaler.  So I am a male, aged between 25 and 39, I drank on no days and drank no units in the previous week and was immensely surprised at how much I drank.  But then comes the kicker –

How many units did you consume on your heaviest day of drinking?

Now my hypothetical person drank nothing but do they supply an option for that?  Oh no.  So to complete the survey I am forced to admit that I drank between one and five units.  So my teetotaler friend suddenly becomes a binge drinker and a secret lush to boot.

This is typical of these so called "surveys".  They have a preconceived notion [everyone drinks too much] and couch their questions accordingly.  It is the classic "when did you stop beating your wife" paradox.  It is impossible to answer unless you conform to their suspicions.

The results are supposed to be published tomorrow [they said that yesterday too] and they should be interesting.

I had a bit of spare time last night so I think they'll find an inordinate number of under-18 females who drink over 31 units every day of the week [and who weren’t in the least surprised], and who binge drink every night of the week but would typically drink more.

A staggering result?