I am eternally grateful to The Authorities.
You know who I mean? Those people who only have my interests at heart and obviously know better than I do how to live my life.
The have written a lovely web site which tells me all I need to know about being ready for Winter.
This site has told me so many things I never would have even considered. Who would have thought that it might snow heavily leaving me short of groceries? And I am aghast that I never considered having enough heating fuel to see me through the months.
I suppose they have cottoned on to the fact that the memory isn't what it was. I only remember last Summer and have completely forgotten that Winter exists. Here was I, planning barbecues and picnic trips, completely forgetting that Winter can be cold, wet and even snowy. Isn't it a blessing that they reminded me?
Some of their tips are really helpful. They suggest for example that I wear heavy boots when shoveling snow, where I was far more likely to wear slippers or sandals when wielding the pitchfork [they don’t say what I should use to shift snow so I suppose a pitchfork will do the trick?]. They suggest that I call in on elderly neighbours. Actually that last one is a non-runner as all my neighbours are younger than me, but I suppose they don't know that?
One suggestion they make is a bit of a problem. They suggest that I stock up on medications [presuming that I’m going to be snowbound for several months?] but that won't work. That hoor of a pharmacist will only dish out what's on a prescription, and I know damn well if I ask for extra [just to tide me over a bit] she'll tell me to fuck off and come back when my prescription says I'm due.
They provide lots of lovely [useless] links to websites but they seem to forget that the old Interweb might break down after a heavy snowfall?
There is one link they provide that I would advise seriously not to visit though.
It's a video of our Glorious Leader being ever so patronising and showing how he can't even read a teleprompter. I notice that the video is two years old and has gone viral with 66 views? Shows how popular he is? I suppose we must be grateful that he has condescended to appear in public? Slimy little cunt.
And what about the elderly who have no access to the Interweb?
Over the coming months we'll get to know who they are.
They'll be the ones out shoveling snow in their slippers.