I know you are all gagging for further news on the swimming pool in my car?
I know the papers and television are full of it [they reckon it has something to do with a leak in the office of the Police Ombudsman, but I had a feeling they were on the wrong track].
So in order to prevent any further loss of sleep and chewing of fingernails, I have a sequel to my little brainfart on Monday.
You lot had a load of very helpful suggestions [and some not so helpful] but I am surprised no one mentioned the classic method of finding a leak in a car – put the fucking thing trough a car wash!
I removed all the panels that were easily removable [i.e. none] and the parcel shelf. I didn't bother removing the floor from the boot as it isn't there anyway. It's still drying out in the bathroom. Then I nipped over to Skobieville and put the car through the toughest wash they had.
For those who have stuck out with the saga to date, the leak seemed to come from the rear nearside light cluster.
Once I got home I attacked the car with screwdrivers, mole wrenches and a hammer. I removed about half a dozen screws before discovering I only needed to remove two. Then came my next problem… a key screw was one of those fucking hex-headed monstrosities that they use to try to stop us fiddling with things.
I knew I had a tin full of the special yokes somewhere – a tin bull of little bits that plug into the end of a special screwdriver. I don't have the special screwdriver and I don't know where the tin came from, but that's beside the point. My problem now was which tin! The garage is full of the fucking things, containing rusty nuts, screws, bolts, nails and other weird stuff that is unidentifiable but might come in handy some day.
I found the right tin at last and removed the last screw [with the help of a dose of WD40 and a mole wrench].
There was the leak!
There was a hard cup-shaped washer that had a soft washer inside, and the soft washer had compressed leaving the hard washer to try to waterproof the joint. I bunged a wodge of packing under the soft washer and reassembled everything [apart from the floor which is still dripping wet].
No bits left over and the car looks as good as new. The lights even work, which is strange.
Now all I have to do is wait for it to rain.
I won't have a long wait in this godforsaken country.