Regurgitation
For some reason I got thinking about office parties today.
I was going to scribble out a little brain-fart on the subject, but the words as they came seemed vaguely familiar.
I did a search and sure enough, I covered the topic before and there seems little point in repeating myself, so I'll just repeat myself…
There are many things I love to miss about working in an office, and one of the big ones is the Christmas Party.
I fucking hated them.
There was a bimbo in our office who used to fire up her party enthusiasm around July. The day would come in the middle of summer when she would pipe up that it really was about time we started thinking about booking a venue. Most of us would still be looking forward to our summer holidays, so this wasn’t well received. The air would be thick with flying staplers, ashtrays and other assorted heavy objects, but unfortunately Bimbo was quite good at ducking. And being a Bimbo, she didn’t realise that the missiles aimed in her direction had anything to do with her mention of Christmas.
Over the following months, skirmishes would break out. On one side there would be the crowd who just wanted a quick meal to line the stomach for a good piss-up. On the other would be the ones who wanted a leisurely meal followed by a disco or something. By the time they had sorted their differences, all the venues would be booked up anyway so the whole thing was a bit academic.
Usually we ended up either having the do in some grotty back street restaurant, that no self respecting office party would touch, or we would hold that greatest of nightmares – an office party in the office.
There is nothing worse than holding a party in an office where you spend most of your working day. There is fuck all festive about a computer monitor with a bit of bedraggled tinsel draped across the top. There is nothing Christmassy about a twelve inch high plastic tree decorated with floppy disks.
Worst of all was the boss, who for 364 days in the year is an utter bollix and who suddenly decides that for one day we all have to be best friends with him.
Inevitably at the start of the ‘party’ someone would announce that “this is a party, and no one is to mention work”. That would lead to dead silence, as we had fuck all in common apart from work. So the trick then was to consume as much cheap plonk as quickly as possible so that we could get around to the groping stage without the agonies of forced conversation.
The one advantage of holding the ‘party’ in the office was that we had control over the drinks. Lacing the Bimbo’s fizzy orange with vodka was no problem, and The Boss used to get his beer nicely topped up in the Gents. With the piss he normally drank, he couldn’t tell the difference.
Of course the party always ended in chaos. Bimbo would end up staggering all over the place making a holy show of herself and slurring that the orange was tasting funny, and the Boss would usually end up puking his ring up all over the main desk.
The Office Party was not a time for celebration or enjoyment.
Oh no.
It was a time for revenge.
Sounds like we both "worked" in the same office. I remember having to take Bimbo home in my new company car. She spent most of the way hanging out of the window being sick – complaining that Southern Comfort was not really alcoholic. Took ages to clean the seats. Happy Christmas.
I think Bimbos are more or less mandatory in offices [something to do with reverse discrimination?]. In fairness to her, I wouldn't blame her for up-chucking Southern Comfort – gnat's piss.
It was a company car, so why not leave it to the company to clean it?
Over the Christmas holiday? I loved that car. Best present ever – until the brakes failed and I ran into a very expensive Jaguar. Much laughter from office "friends". The general factotum sent to collect the repaired car had the fright of his life when the brakes failed again as he drove home – very expensive. And still an undefinable smell somewhere..
If you're going to ram something, then ram something worthwhile. There's no kudos in writing off a Fiat Punto?
Smell of sick or brown trousers? Did not matter what he hit – it was an old Rolls Royce (great!), never felt comfortable in that car again. Needless to say, Bimbo was very distant after that party. Did I ever tell you about the lovely lady who had a fit and I was delegated to take her home – she woke up and nearly caused a major traffic incident. Ain't life fun?
Do tell!
I had mine on Friday.. Was out sick Friday with a bit of a flu, so probably didn't look the best when I was knocking back wine at dinner. Oh well. I was making an effort for the Christmas with my colleagues.
Jesus, don't think I'd be behaved enough to be having a Christmas party in the office – would probably end up imitating the boss sitting at his desk scratching me arse. 🙂
How long more 'till it's all over?
It's over when WE say it's over.So whatever you were thinking of doing……………forget it!!!!!
Does the boss make a habit of sitting at his desk scratching your arse? I'd worry about that if I were you.
Anything to make the boss happy shur. Sometimes you have to go the extra mile. 🙂
10 more days to go.. ahhh.
The best office parties I remember were the works do's, I used to take female friends of mine who were 'photographic' read glamour models, it was fun watching all the 'boys' making bigger and bigger twats of themselves trying to chat them up the more alchohol they imbibed; it usually ended in a punch up, after the 2nd year of me inviting 2 or 3 of the girls the management decided we were all to be restricted to one guest each…….
For some reason outsiders such as wives, husbands, partners or "significant others" were expressly forbidden in our place. I was denied the pleasures of bringing my own bimbo which was a great pity.
I think annual office parties should also be held in early June before the summer hols. Then the Bimbo could come in alluring miniskirt, and gents could sport T-shirts and flowery shorts. People could retire to a boulevard pavement cafe across the road and puke on the sidewalk tables. The waiters would soon earn their tips.
Even better would be to hold the office party during the summer holidays. That way we'd all have a genuine excuse for not attending?