I was pottering around the garden the other day.

I happened to be down the far end which adjoins the road, for no other reason than pure chance.

As I was standing there musing over whether I should remove a Mountain Ash tree or not, a bottle came flying over the hedge and narrowly missed me.

Now I know I may be entering Victor Meldrew territory here, but one of the things that really pisses me off is people chucking their empty cans and bottles over the hedge into my gaff.  I have to go out regularly to collect them all and then have to go to the trouble of dumping them over the fence into the neighbour’s garden.  It annoys me.  It pisses me off.  I see red.

As that bottle came to rest on my lawn, I saw red.  Fortunately [or unfortunately, depending on which side you’re on] I happened to be standing near where Herself dumps her empty vodka bottles.  I grabbed the nearest one off the top of the pile, shinned up the bank so I could see out onto the road and let fly at the perpetrator,

I may be getting old.  I may be getting a little forgetful.  I may even be getting a little stiff in the joints, but I’m delighted to say my aim is still shit hot.

I smacked the little fucker right between the shoulder blades with my trusty bottle of Smirnoff.  It was a beautiful shot and it knocked him flying clean into the ditch on the far side of the road.

I checked the yoke he had chucked at me – it was some revolting noxious looking health drink “full of essential vitamins” and “helping you maintain a healthy lifestyle”.  It’s just the kind of horse-piss the sheeple lap up because they have been brainwashed into this fad for health. 

I was delighted.  I had bagged me a genuine brain-dead moron.

I had also proved that so-called health drinks can be very bad for your health.