There has been a minor fuss lately over the sea levels rising again.
Apparently the level of the oceans has been rising much faster that predicted and it is time for us all to take this Global Warming very seriously indeed. Naturally I drove into Skobieville hoping to sea the place finally submerged and cleansed, but there it was – as high, dry and dirty as ever.
I went back and checked the figures. Surely I must have missed something, as even the BBC had an article on the news all but saying that the polar ice caps had vanished overnight.
I found the figures I was looking for, and I will kid you not – I shit myself. The oceans are rising at the rate of nearly two millimetres a year! Wow! I gave myself a couple of well deserved large stiff whiskeys to calm the nerves.
But then I started arguing with myself [as I do, occasionally]. “Hold on” says I to myself, the oceans are quite big – 361,419,000 square kilometres to be precise, and in case no one has noticed, they are liquid which means they tend to slosh around a lot. Not only does the wind tend to ripple up that nice smooth surface, but even our friend and neighbour the Moon has in inconvenient habit of dragging the surface up by many metres a couple of times a day. How can they possibly claim that the surface is rising by a millimetre or two? And if it is, how do they know it’s not caused by the planets passing overhead, or Dublin Corporation throwing another barge-load of shit in from the sewage works?
But then, I says to myself, suppose they are right? That means that in five hundred years the sea will have risen by a full metre? This could be serious after all. How long has this been going on for, I asked myself? Since 1985 apparently.
Measuring climate trends since 1985 is like measuring the speed of a car in one millionth of a second and trying to estimate what speed that car will be doing in five years time.
I think the empty lager cans and used hypodemic nerdles in the gutters of Skobieville are safe for a while yet?