I am beginning to feel old.
Up until now I have prided myself on being able to get by with all the electronic gizmos that are thrown at me. I knew one end of a computer from another, could heat up a mug of something in the microwave and was even able to programme my video tape recorder [until they were made obsolete].
But now I have a contraption, and I confess it has me bet.
For the life of me, it has me stumped.
And what is this incredibly complex contraption? Is it the Large Hadron Collider? Is it the Curiosity Mars Rover?
Nope. Neither of those. They are easy peasy by comparison.
It’s my mobile phone.
Having had it for a few months now, and from playing around with it, I have finally worked out how to make and receive calls. I am also managing to send text messages but am still a bit confused as it seems a little over complex. For a start, what is the point of a fucking qwerty keyboard when you can only use one fingertip? Even if I hold the yoke sideways, the keyboard is still not much bigger than a postage stamp.
And what the fuck is Data Transfer?
I had it for about a week and it stopped working because funds had dried up, even though I had only tried to make a couple of calls. I checked and found that the fucking thing had been downloading data or some weird shit, so I told it to stop. Now it bitches every time I switch it on and complains that my Data Transfer is off. The phone seems to work normally though, so what the fuck use is this Data lark?
I have discovered how to download programmy things, but I use the house network and not G2 or G4 or whatever the fuck it’s called. I have a little yoke for telling me if there is free wireless broadband anywhere around and another little thingy that tells me what the weather forecast is.
Actually, that weather forecast hickey is quite handy if I suddenly get a desperate urge to know what the weather is doing outside. It saves me walking to a window, or having to switch on my laptop. Very neat. I think.
One thing that infuriates me is that there are several screens of applications [and anyone who calls them ‘apps’ is a fucking moron, in my book], and I can’t get rid of them. Why the flying fuck would I need Microsoft Office when I can barely type a text message? I don’t want it [or several space wasters, including games] so why the fuck can’t I get rid of it?
The phone also has a strange habit of rearranging itself. I go to do something, and the fucking icon has vanished. only to pop up somewhere else when and where I least expect it. I had it neatly arranged that the first screen contained all my important programmes [like ‘Help’!], the next screen were programmes of a lesser order and I had all the unwanted shit shoved onto the last screen where it wouldn’t annoy me. Next time I switched the damn thing on, all my careful tidying had been undone. Again.
I’m beginning to think that I have reached the stage where I will have to ask the Grandchilder for help.
The shame of it.