Penny, the new dog has been with us for a week now.

These are some of the things I have learned.

She likes water.  Her first act on arrival was to jump in the lake and then trail mud, water and lily pads into the house.

She is extremely affectionate.  I keep tripping over her as she insists on rolling onto her back just in front of me when I’m walking.

She straight away acknowledged that I am Top Dog.  This is fair enough as I am.  Herself gets the second class treatment, which is also fair enough.

She is a crap driver.  I gave her her first lesson the other day and she just jumped onto the back seat and panted.  Luckily I was able to grab the wheel and stop the car.  That may require some work.

She can read.  This morning I discovered this as I waded through shards of aluminium foil.  She had found a box containing dog food in sealed aluminium pouches and had helped herself.  The only way she could have known they contained dog food was by reading the labels.

She likes to rearrange things.  She frequently moves odd items from one room to another.  It could be a shoe or a hair grip, a cardboard box or a toilet roll.  Nothing is ever damaged [apart from one shoe that had a tiny piece of leather removed].

She has a cast iron stomach.  She robbed a carton of spread [margarine as it used to be known] and finished the lot.  Lesser canines would have puked the lot up again.

She will eat anything.  [see above]

She is quiet.  For the first three days I thought she was mute, but then she saw the neighbour’s dog outside the gate and let rip.  Impressive!  She hasn’t barked since.

She hates flies.  If a fly gets into the room [not unusual at this time of year] she tears around after it, sending furniture and anything else flying.  I am learning to dread flies.

She is fast.  And when I say fast I mean really fucking fast.  I wonder if it’s too late to enter her for the Olympics?

She is not a wanderer.  I don’t think she has reached the perimeter of the land yet.  She just hangs around near the house or, if I’m outside, near me.

She is remarkably obedient.  Someone must have trained her in the past as she obeys most commands straight away…..

Except of course to keep out of the fucking lake.