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The blind leading the blind

Head Rambles Posted on by

I got a phone call yesterday from Chalkie.

Chalkie is the headmaster at the local school and where he is the chalk, I am the Big Cheese.  In other words we don’t exactly get on very well together.  He doesn’t drink and is one of those flappers that waves his hand in front of his face like an old woman if he gets a whiff of tobacco smoke.  He goes his way and I go mine, and never the twain shall meet.  As it were.

Anyhows, back to the phone call.

I asked him what he wanted.

He asked me if I would like to present the prizes for the end of school year.

What the fuck?

Rarely am I at a loss for words, but this had me speechless.

Eventually, I pulled myself together and asked him why the fuck he was picking on me.

He said because I was a writer.

I pointed out that I was a retiree and therefore wasn’t anything, except maybe a pensioner.

He pointed out that I had had a book published.

I pointed out that that had been an accident and I didn’t want to talk about it.

He pointed out that I had been on television because of my writing and on several radio programmes also.

I pointed out that they too had been mistakes and that I valued my privacy which is hardly strengthened by doing a broadcast.

He pointed out that I continue to publish stuff on the Interweb.

Fuck!  I hoped he didn’t know about that, and had to do a swift mental audit in case I had ever written something less than flattering about him.  I don’t think I did because frankly he isn’t worth the time or the trouble.

I told him he was only phoning me because he was stuck.

He admitted I was right.

I told him to go fuck himself.

He told me he had seen me behind the church with Yer Wan from the hairdressers.

Fuck!

I asked what was involved.  He said all I had to do was hand out the prizes and make a little speech about writing.

What the hell am I going to do?  More important, what the hell am I supposed to talk about?  I don’t know anything about this writing lark.  How am I supposed to keep a gang of schoolkids amused for half an hour?  I suppose I could always just give them the address of this site, and let their parents sort out the resulting uproar?

Damn that Wan from the hairdressers.

She isn’t even that good looking.

 

Comments

The blind leading the blind — 23 Comments

  1. I knew a hairdresser like that once “Short back & Rides” was her speciality, never got caught though.

  3. Pointless talking to the modern child about writing as they don’t even know what the word means. If I were you, I’d tell them all about the hairdresser instead !

  5. Dammit!  I just ask for a little help on what to talk about and all I get in return is smutty comments about hairdressers.  And John – that idea could be dangerous… it wouldn’t surprise me if half the kids in the school were Yer Wan’s.

  6. Ladies and gentlemen,

    “Education is not the filling of a vessel, it is the lighting of a fire!  Mark Twain once said “I have never let schooling interfere with my education”, Education is what remains when one has forgotten everything one learned in school…..

    Continue on with loads more cliches (teachers love cliches) and finish with a joke : ” Parents were worried about their son not wanting to learn maths at school so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mum and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and looking at it they see under math an A+. Parents are very happy and ask the son, “What changed your mind about learning maths?” The son looked at mom and dad and said, “Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher’s desk and I knew they meant business.”

  7. one more tip…….. if it is a Catholic school and you bring in a USB stick you might get the priest to check it first!! 😉

  8. Just tell them your views on smoking and climate change. You won’t get invited back.

  9. Not Green – They are only juniors so I don’t want to get too technical.  I’ll just condense your suggestions into a few words – schools teach shite and the only real learning is from bitter experience.  How’s that?  I’ll keep the joke though for the lads in the pub.

    tt – They won’t know anything about Global Warming or the damage of second hand smoke.  They don’t teach false religions in that school.

  10. Good enough, it’s always nice to remind them that no matter how stoopid they think they are, they can achieve anything they want……….. after all Mickey Martin was once Minister for Education!

  11. As you said, “Schools teach shite, and the only real learning is from bitter experience”, and then as an example of this kind of bitter experience, tell them about the hairdresser. You can embellish it too. Explain that money changed hands, to give it a high brow economic flavour, tell them you had to tell her to, “Suck, don’t blow”, to show them the importance of good training, talk a little about the back of the Church and its history, first smoke there, first ride etc,  and then to add a bit of medical science and lift the whole tenor of the thing, explain that you got the clap from the bitch, and Doctor So & So, had to put a big needle in your bottom.
     
    Piece o’ piss for you Grandad  !

  12. Just tell them jokes GD.

    TEACHER: John, how do you spell “crocodile”?
    JOHN : “K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L”
    TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
    JOHN : Maybe it’s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

    TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
    SARAH : “HIJKLMNO”!!
    TEACHER: What are you talking about?
    SARAH : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!

    TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
    GEORGE : Here it is!
    TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
    CLASS : George!

    TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn’thave ten years ago.
    WILLY : Me!

    TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
    TOMMY : Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.

    TEACHER: Why are you late?
    WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
    TEACHER: What sign?
    WEBSTER: The one that says, “School Ahead, Go Slow.”

    SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
    FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
    SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

    TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
    SAMMY : You can’t fool me, Teacher… snakes don’t have feet.

    TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
    JOSE : Don’t bite any.

    TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
    ELLEN : I is…
    TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
    ELLEN : All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

    MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?
    JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

    TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other what would I have?
    CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!   

    They won’t listen to anything else anyway. 

  14. Its the way I tell ’em….oh! sweet jasus….thar be monsters here. They abound with menaces, har!

    Too much BBQ wine **hic!* 

  16. Little Johnny “Miss, can I go to the toilet please?”

    Teacher “No, class is nearly over go at the break.”

    Little Johnny “But Miss, I need to piss real bad!”

    Teacher ” Johnny it’s Urinate not Piss & if you can put Urinate in a sentence you can go to the toilet”

    Little Johnny “Miss, You’re an 8 but if you had bigger tits you’d be a 10.”       

  17. The maths teacher asked Little Billy “If you have £20 and I ask you for £10 as a
    loan, how many pounds would you still have?”.
    “Twenty” came the reply.
    “How so?” enquired the teacher.
    “Just because you ask me to loan you £10, it doesn’t mean I am going to”.

    A schoolteacher sent a letter to all parents after day one of the new term which said “If you can promise that you will not believe all that your child says goes on at school, I will promise you that I won’t believe all that your child says goes on at home”.

    A young boy was teaching mathematics to a young girl, saying that this was his good deed. He kissed her; he then kissed her again; he kissed her a third time adding “There, thats addition”. She silently gave him the kisses back sweetly saying ” So that will be
    substraction?”. They then kissed each other at the same time. Both smiled and said together ” That’s multiplication.” Just at that moment, the young girls father arrived. He kicked him for two blocks exclaiming “That’s long division”.

  18. Opening the book in the class, the teacher asked, ‘So, where were we?’

    Student: In this class, Sir.
     
    “Pisst…got some good kerry jokes grandad hehehe”, not that you could tell them to the little children, n God Bless You Grandad, doing something for the little children.

    Actually I would ask Chalkie to prove it, you and yer wan, hearsay means nothing.

  19. I think the best thing I can do at this stage is pull my collar up and my cap down and slink off into the night and hope that nobody notices.

  20. What pets do ye have children?
    None, says little Johnney, but I know we’re getting a hedgehog.
    A hedgehog ! says the teacher, when are you getting that?
    Don’t know, miss, but I heard mammy telling daddy this morning if he cleans up around the house she’ll give him a hedgehog later on…

  21. Dad:  “It says here on your report card that you got 4% in maths”.

    Young Son:  “I know Dad. Is that good” ? 

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