Far from the Madding Crowd
I like to amuse myself with wee mental exercises.
It keeps the old grey cells reasonably active, while I still have a few left.
I’m not talking about crosswords [boring], chess [tedious], Sudoku [puts me to sleep] or anything like that. I’m talking about playing out scenarios, sometimes with a practical purpose.
Last week I amused myself by mentally working out what precisely I would do if I caught Herman Van Rumpuy down a dark lane. I really enjoyed that one as I confess I was quite inventive.
This week my project is considerably harder.
Where the fuck can I move to to get away from the fucking Nanny and Bully States?
There are various criteria on my wish-list.
It must be a nice climate – Nice long warm summers and short winters. It doesn’t matter how cold the winters are provided they are short.
English speaking [and that eliminates America].
No fucking EU involvement.
Citizens are treated like adults and are free to make their own choices.
Smoking allowed [or preferably actively encouraged].
That’s all.
Not a particularly tall order?
Until you start to eliminate countries, that is.
I had toyed with the idea of Tristan da Cunha, but I had some niggling doubts. For one thing, I don’t think their broadband is up to much.
Ascension Island is another possibility, but I have a feeling there may be too many Merkans there.
That just leaves Saint Helena.
That sounds just about right? It ticks most of the boxes [including broadband] All I have to find out now is whether they serve Guinness there.
I wonder if I would have to think I am Napoleon?
My future home?
I have an auld house on Aran (Inismore). Great place to get away, never get any post, cold callers, politicians. Because the property was never registered with Land Registry in Dublin I never paid any property taxes there, never asked either. Even google maps couldn’t find the place!
Now that sounds like a nice spot! Will you accept a cheque?
I’ll remember ya in my will!
Jayzus but you’re all heart!
“English speaking [and that eliminates America].”
You cheeky bastard! I will have you know that Americans speak far better and clearer English than you Micks and the Limeys. Scousers, Mancs, Brummies, Geordies,Cockney wankers not to mention the fuckin’ Taffys and the Glaswegian hillbillies give me a fuckin’ break. Unintelligible the lot of ’em. Nobody south of the Severn River can say thing and not fing. or think and not fink. They talk like fucking infants. Don’t get me going on Warren Barton. As for you bog trotters. The word is pronounced three not tree befuckinjabers and befucingorrah whatever the fuck that means in English! Now fuck off to France where you belong with your horseshit.
What about Fiji or Samoa or even Yap. If you want to get away go to the south pacific I say.
Oh sweet fuck! And he wonders at my attitude to Merkans.
tt – The Irish are world renowned as probably the best speakers of the language. We ripped it off the English and let them degenerate into unintelligible accents. As for Mercans – You can’t even spell the fucking language correctly let alone speak it. Heh!
Brianf – Fiji? Do they still eat each other there? Yap? Nah! All those fucking Euro coins make me walk with a list as it is. Don’t fancy anything heavier. Samoa? Now you might be onto something there. I wonder if there are direct flights from Ireland?
Old Holborn has legged it to Bulgaria may be worth a look.
William – I’m afraid Old Holborn will have to go it alone. Bulgaria is in the EU and I refuse to allow those cunts dictate my private life.
Wherever you go we’ll know!
Solitude ………… mmmmmmmmm. Isolation …………. mmmmmmmmmm……………………… sigh!!
Something I crave a lot since moving to Shannon. Though the missus keeps telling me to cop the fuck on and get a grip on myself.
It mightn’t exactly have the warmest Summers but there’s something I’ve always liked is the idea of moving to the Falkland Islands. At least the winters are pretty warm there, compared to our own. Mind you, I’d say it’s got its fair share of sheep shaggers. So maybe I’ll forget that idea.
And by the way, T(i)T; the only time I’ve EVER publically heard the words “bejaysus” and “begorrah” are in spaz American films such as “Darby O’Gill” and “Far and Away”.
Oh, and it may also surprise you that we don’t wear green suits and shoes with buckles on the front of them.
But if you moved what would you complain about?
Although I can kind of see you as a Bob Marley figure bopping away on a beach somewhere.
The CIA – You lot think the world is flat and extends from New York as far as San Francisco. Outside that, you just get lost. Heh!
InisEanna – Jayzus but I always though Shannon was a fairly bleak place. A bit like Siberia? As for the Falklands – no thanks. I’d prefer the hustle and bustle of Saint Helena.
Val – Don’t worry. One thing I have learned in life is that there is always something to complain about!
Australia 50 years ago, but, sadly, no longer. When you were enjoying your fantasies about President Van Rompuy, did you consider inserting his Grand Cordon of the Order of Leopold into his rear end? He has one, you know. A Grand Cordon I mean. I’m not sure about his rear end- he looks mightily constipated in the photo I saw.
Sorry coming here a bit late but Malaysia English widely spoken lovely weather cheap property far away from EU. Muslim country but freedom for all religions lots of different cultures Malay Chinese Indian. But unlike the open borders of the EU not easy to immigrate there unless you marry a nice Malaysia girl.
Thanks William I was wondering where Old Holborn had disappeared to.
Why don’t you join your earlier mutineers on Pitcairn Island? You could kidnap some young beauties from Tahiti to replenish the original stock.
Peacock – I’m all for marrying a local girl if Herself has no objections. I’ll mark it down as a distinct possibility.
tt – Crap broadband! I like the idea of a life dedicated to replenishing the population though.
Ginger Mick – Sorry! I didn’t see you lurking in my moderation place. You should have shouted louder.
I hear that Australia has joined the ranks of the Bully State all right. For that reason I had dismissed it straight away. As for Van Rompuy, the only title he merits is “Supreme Cunt”. President my arse!
They don’t let people in to Tristan da Cunha unless you have family there and because of the military presence not just anyone is allowed onto Ascension for more than a couple of days either so that really does leave St. Helena.
Dankoozy – I had a feeling there may be problems with those two. St Helena is fine, but any fucking Napoleon jokes and I won’t be best pleased.