I must confess I find American elections a little confusing.
For a start, they seem to go on for such a long time.
Over here, a date is set and on that date we all go out and vote [as many times as possible] and then it’s all over bar the counting. Over there, they seem to spend months, or even years voting on who to put forward as a candidate, which seem a little pointless. Why not just vote once and be done with it?
Of course, being America everything has to be done with as much noise as possible – there is no doubt that Americans are the noisiest people on the planet. On top of that there are all sorts of strange things like Caucasus [what the fuck has a mountain range in Asia got to do with American elections? Or is it Caucus?] and Super Tuesday, Awesome Sunday and Whopping Wednesday. I haven’t a fucking clue what all that is about.
Then there are the candidates themselves. For a start, having a fucking stupid name seems to be a bonus. Then they are selected, not on what they hope to achieve but on what kind of lives they have led to date. They are scrutinised to see if they have ever smoked a joint or shagged the next door neighbour’s missus. Presumably they are trying to find the Squeaky Clean All American Boy who never lived a life apart from attending church all day and fighting a war or three. Didn’t stop Bill “suck my cigar” Clinton getting in though, did it? Heh!
There is a major flaw in this “weeding out the bad eggs” process though. They run the danger of rejecting the right man for the job, in favour of someone who has never lived life. They run the risk of voting in another basket case like Dubya. It’s a case of “maybe he did start World War Three, but at least he never shagged anyone he shouldn’t have”. That’s a great consolation as you slowly die from radiation poisoning?
There is one thing I have to envy though. Over there they at least manage to elect one president. Over here we have several [President of the European Council, President of the European Parliament, President of the European Central Bank and a load more] and we don’t get a chance to vote for any of them.
At this point I was going to make a crack about the mind numbing stupidity of parents who could name their child “Mitt Romney”. But then I suppose it’s a better name than Herman Van Fucking Rompuy?