It all started yesterday afternoon.

Herself came in from the shed to say that she had been listening to the radio, and wasn’t sure what she had heard.  Being an obliging sort of chap, I chained her up back in the shed and then went searching on the Interweb to see if I could find what she was talking about,

I found it.

Fuck me, but I don’t know what the fuck it was either.

Using my vast intellect and research skills, I discovered it was Jedward, talking on the phone to some young girl.

I really don’t know where to start.  Maybe you should have a listen for yourselves?

Fist of all, can anyone tell what in the name of sweet fuck they are saying?  All, like, I can. like, make, like, out is, like, that every, like second. like, word is ‘like’, like.  Granted there is a ‘cewel’ and an ‘Oh My God’ thrown in there, but I haven’t the faintest fucking idea what they are on about?  Can anyone help?

Apart from the fact that they are talking utter manure, what the fuck are they on?  The only person I have ever heard talking like that is the character Vicky Pollard from Little Britain

Now I have nothing personally against Jedward.  As utterly talentless kids go, they are pretty average.  I feel very sorry for them though as their future is bleak.  That dumbfuck Walsh has seen his chance to make a few quick sheckles out of them and he is marketing them like the clappers.  Doubtless he is filling their heads with shite such as the idea that they can sing.  Sooner or later, he is going to grow tired of them and what then?  Out on their own, with their heads filled with crazy ideas that they can perform?  And stupid haircuts?

So what does the future hold?

Can they sing?  Fuck, no.  I have heard cows carry a better tune.

Can they dance?  Of course anything goes these days, but even within those limitations they haven’t a chance.

Can they speak?  Apart from having voices akin to a nail scraping across a blackboard, I think the recording says it all.

So what is the essence of Jedward?

Idiotic haircuts.

They’ll go a long way on that.