I felt distinctly weird yesterday afternoon.
It started with a strange sensation in my stomach – like something was moving around in there. I also noticed that my Schwarzenegger-like figure was beginning to look a little bloated around the abdomen. I ignored it all.
Later on in the day I started to have cravings. I had a desire for onions in gravy which came out of nowhere. I decided to do some research on the Interweb.
To my delight, I discovered I was pregnant.
I decided to celebrate by cooking some onions in gravy.
I used to cook this quite a lot, but haven’t done so for quite a while. It was simple enough. I got one of those onions that’s the size of a grapefruit [don’t confuse the two – grapefruit in gravy isn’t the same] and chopped it up and chucked it in the pan. I also baked a few sausages and cooked up some chips. I get sausages from the butcher in the village. They are huge and they are fucking gorgeous. I don’t know what meat he uses, though I did find an earring in one recently.
After my meal [which was delicious] the craving had dissipated, but the stomach was larger, and the movements more pronounced. There was also a considerable level of discomfort. Was this labour, I wondered to myself?
In the early hours of this morning I gave birth.
It was a very easy, if somewhat messy delivery.
I am now the proud father of a bonny bouncing 12lb fart.
Women often whinge on about the difficulties of labour and childbirth, but that’s a load of bollox.
Take it from me lads –
It’s a breeze.