That fucking guinea pig is driving me to drink.
Actually, that’s not true. I wish it were. It would be handy to have someone or something to drive me home again from the pub when I have had a skin full.
I will rephrase it. That fucking guinea pig is driving me demented.
For some unknown reason Minnie has decided that her sole reason for existence is to eat her way through the bars of her cage. The noise of the twanging is very very fucking irritating.
So far, I have tried the following:
Electrifying the bars: This was the least successful as Minnie seemed to like the sparks. I had to unplug from the mains when I ran out of fuses.
Smearing Marmite on the bars: This worked for a while, but the little sod soon worked out that if she rubbed her paws on the bars, that the Marmite would wear off. The Marmite stuck to her paws, and the straw and sawdust stuck to the Marmite, so the little fucker now has massive straw/sawdust boots on and I have run out of Marmite.
Removing the cage altogether: This seems like a logical move, but pea-brain Minnie just lunges at the now non-existent bars and goes flying out of her box. Seeing as it is perched on a high table, this means a long drop before there is a satisfying ‘splodge’ sound, whereupon Minnie disappears under the couch and spends the next hour or so squeaking, pissing and pooing and refusing to come out. The house is beginning to smell.
Training: This was the most satisfying of the treatments, from my point of view. I would stand beside the cage, and whenever the chewing started, I would thwack her on the nose with a newspaper. She would retreat for about five seconds, obviously wondering what the fuck had happened before launching herself at the bars again. The only learning that resulted was that I learned that guinea pigs cannot be trained. They are fucking stupid.
I am running out of ideas.
I have led a long and interesting life, and I want that life to end in a suitable manner. I do not want my gravestone marked with the words “Here lies Grandad who died of a heart attack induced by a guinea pig”. Somehow it isn’t befitting someone of my stature.
I don’t know what the normal lifespan of a guinea pig is.
But at this rate, it’s about five seconds.