Big Brother is watching you
Apparently the CIA are of some use after all.
As my regular readers will know, I developed quite a cosy relationship with them back in the good old days of Dubya. They are eternally grateful to me for being a major contributor in his demise, and have been in touch with me ever since they removed the blacked out âWashington Power & Lightâ van from outside my house.
They wrote to me this morning and told me about their latest experiment.
Apparently they have been monitoring peopleâs use of the Interweb by means of the little web cam thingies that are built into laptops, and which can also be bought by people with more money than sense. They now have the power to watch you watching me [or anyone else].
As a personal favour to me, they sent me some figures about the people who read my site. The only way they can obtain these particular figures is by peeking into peopleâs homes, so itâs quite interesting.
The first thing they told me is the age range of my readers.
Itâs quite a relief to know that no one under 24 reads my site. I hate these hoodies hanging around cluttering up the place. I see Herself has a little peak of her own at the bottom too! [She isnât really that old, but they can be forgiven for making that mistake]
Then they told me the gender.
So women donât like my site, huh? Too fucking bad. Thatâs the last time I will publish a recipe.
I think the next one may be a bit inaccurate.
From what I can gather, most of my readers keep their children locked in the cellar or the attic, so the CIA wouldnât be able to see them in the background anyway.
The next one came as no surprise at all.
It is a very sad fact of life that my little old site is blocked from entering most offices. I donât know why. I think it is an educational informative site, and I would have thought any boss would be only too delighted to allow their staff broaden their minds a bit.
I was really delighted at the last one.
It is nice to know that my erudite writings are appreciated by the literati. There again, the CIA tells me that they can only guess at a persons education from their accent, their spelling and grammatical skills and how many certificates they have on their walls, but who am I to argue?
So it appears that my typical reader is a fifty year old well educated male who has no children and browses from home.
Howya Kirk M!
So let me get this straight, being female, in my thirties, with kids, and having no third level education means I can’t visit anymore?
I’ll go then…
*sob*
EMum – Do you have a web cam? Maybe they missed you?
typical reader…soooo close, but no, not me. Ah well, I’ll keep reading in secret, through my rss reader, where noone can see me…
Typical eh?
I’ll have you know that I have a kid, 21 years old, and I’m typing this from my office at work.
Geez! Next you’ll be calling me common, everyday, ordinary and regular.
Oh yea, and I plug my web camera in backwards so all the CIA sees are themselves.
Hey! We’re not all hoodies you know!
Cathy – Are you not male and fifty? It’s funny how perceptions can be so off.
Brianf – I would never call you ordinary. Common, everyday and regular, maybe, but not ordinary. That’s a neat trick with the web cam though. They must be counting themselves so?
TheChrisD – The only reason you aren’t a hoodie is because Baby Bear keeps you on the straight and narrow. He told me that when we met.
Well, hi yourself. That’s what I get for carrying around that top secret clearance all those years. Funny thing is I don’t have a web cam and none of my snoops I keep hidden around the house have detected any either. Sounds like someone’s passing inside information to me.
Glad you feel I’m well educated though. I’ve fooled a lot of people about that.
It must be true, its on the internet.
Kirm M – I didn’t like to mention that they can use the screen as a camera. I didn’t want to scare people. Of course you are well educated. You know how to use a full-stop, don’t you?
Jim C – It must be true, it’s on Head Rambles.
Did I miss a recipe?
Oh yeah, I forgot about the two-way screen (oh, dreaded shades of 1984!). Must be getting on. A full-stop? Let’s see now. That had something to do with a large red button mounted on a square yellow box didn’t it?
GOT DAMN IT!!! That information is classified!
We can find people any way we please.
Oh, and by the way we KNOW all of your readers!
Why do you think we use this Brianf guys account to contact you?
I hope you know we only moved that van because of the administration change.
You see we’re not the NKVD and we can’t operate across different administrations.
Damn they’re SO lucky.
Anyways with this new guy in the White House we are going to be doing whatever we feel like doing.
Hahahahahahahaha!
Burp!
I was about to say, that my webcam only cost 15 squids(thats hoodie for euros) in Tesco. I was about to point out that the CIA would have no way of accessing our webcams and collating our data like that, i was even about to point out that a Washington Van in The wild west of Ireland would not be a very clever disguise for Ivy league covert police types… I was about to,
But then it always takes me a second to realise when people are taking the Piss.
Even it seems, on websites that I regularly read for their utter pisstakedness!
Can anybody recommend a course of action? (preferably pharmacalogical)
Don’t Bug Me – Welcome. Yup!
SAm Crea – Who’s taking the piss?
Now I’m even more gender confused than I was before!