Swapping tooth and nail
I was driving along the motorway today and, having nothing better to do, I went off in my world of intellectual musings.
We all have fingernails, except of course for those of us who have been tortured.
So what good are these little bits of flesh or bone or whatever the fuck they are made of?
I grant you, they are very handy for getting that large bogey from the top of a nostril. They are also extremely effective for scratching one’s arse. If you play the guitar, then they are indispensible.
None of the above are what you would call life savers though. I can scratch my arse with a stick, or play the guitar with a plectrum, though I’m not sure how I’d cope with that big bogey.
So these little yokes on the end of my fingers are pretty much redundant.
Yet they keep growing.
If Jimmy “Hammer” Murphy does remove your fingernails for some reason, they will grow back again in time.
But your teeth don’t.
Why?
Teeth have a very strong argument for being essential. It is very difficult to eat a steak without them. Apples too can be tricky. They are also ideal from trimming said fingernails, yet if one is removed by nature/dentist/Jimmy “Hammer” Murphy then that is the end of that, unless you are a child on your first set. “Hammer” Murphy draws the line at children.
I’m going to patent my latest idea.
I think teeth should be replaced with fingernails. They should be easy enough to transplant.
If you loose a “tooth” it will just regrow. If you chip one, it will mend itself.
They will also be much closer for a bit of nostril action.
I think I could be onto a winner here?
I am sure our local gene transplant clinic can arrange something. If not there are a few in North Korea. All they need to do is to move some rat DNA over to the human cells. All rodents have teeth that never stop growing. That is why they are always chewing on things. Everyone having to buy chew toys or making frequent visits to the dentist for tooth reductions will also stimulate the economy. I suggest we use Lawyers for test subjects. Their DNA is very closely related to rat DNA already. I admit there are some ethical issues, but I think we can persuade the rats to cooperate even with lawyers.
That’s Nobel material. Seriously. Anyone who’s had to pay for a dental implant will call you a hero (myself included).
I really hope that post was as a result of some dodgy fumes that have been sent around your area as a result of the work done on your road. Because if not, your well and truely losing the plot.
Interesting image I’ve got in my head though.
Finished reading your book last week. Great stuff. So, when is the next one coming out?
You might be on to something there but I’m not quite sure on how it could actually be done!
The child of a friend of mine had been told off for picking his nose. One morning his finger was firmly shoved up there so he got told off.
“I’m trying to get the bark out”
“Bark? That’s not bark, it’s cartilage, it’s supposed to be there”
“No it’s not it’s bark. I know it is, I put it there!”
Having been told to keep his finger out of his nose, he’d found a way around the problem lying in the playground.
Jim C – I think a bit of gene manipulation would be a good idea, just to toughen them up a bit. I don’t know about using lawyer’s DNA though – we don’t want to contaminate the gene pool?
Susan – You can think fondly of me, the next time you nip around to the dentit for a tooth trim?
Darragh – Losing the plot or Nobel material? That is a bit of a divergence? I will let history decide. Glad you enjoyed the book. Spread the word!!!
Robert – Where there’s a will there’s a way.
Welcome Grow Up! What is it with children stuffing things up their noses? Our daughter shoved her eye up hers. Actually, it was her doll’s, but same difference. Bloody kids!
Actually its a US military project.
http://www.defenselink.mil/news/newsarticle.aspx?id=49610
not replacing teeth with nails, but making teeth regrow (and fingers, toes and bizarrely breasts (you can tell lonely military men are working on this)).
It seems fooling the jaw in to thinking its younger, and regrowing adult teeth is relatively easy.
http://www.slate.com/id/2189468/
I’d invest in that patent.
I don’t know exactly why but after I read your post here my mind simply bolted and hid under the couch. My guess is that it simply couldn’t grasp the concept of having a mouthful of fingernails instead of teeth.
I think I’ll just let it be for now and let Laurie try coaxing it out from under couch when she gets home from the quilt shop. She’s always had a way with my mind when it gets off color like this.
You may have just put me off my lunch.
Maxi – Your original comment said [and I quote] “I’d incest in that patent.
”
Why did you change it?
Kirk M – What’s wrong with you? After all your years in the navy, I would have thought you had a stronger stomach than that?
My only concern is that women would go to a nail salon and get their teeth done!
Yikes!
Will – You went into moderation!! My apologies.
I suppose this means my Nobel and patent are down the toilet? And why the hell to they start this project just when I’m too old to benefit? Fucking typical!
Brianf – As long as they don’t get extensions?
It’s my screwed up gut that’s the culprit I’m sure. I’ll be better after surgery…I hope.
I forecast a market in french polished teeth
The military project is about reverting stem cells, yours if about simple(r) transplant. Since finger tips can regrow (not sure about the nail) you might be able to get it to work.
Does that mean herself is going to have bloody hands and a killer smile?
Them nails are disgusting….how does she wipe her arse??
Slow news day there in Ireland?
I had the same conversation about dead growths upon a human body in the Hi-B pub in Cork c.1995 [look Hi-B it up if you havn’t visited yet] and got thrown out by the landlord for talking shite. Just saying, like, boy.
I don’t think I could cope with a hang-tooth. Ouch.
Crikey – that’s brilliant! But there would always be someone (like that lady in the photo), wanting to set a record for the longest teeth in the world – and end up starving to death – and their family suing you for millions Grandad… and I see on your new, strangely docile blog header (?) that you’ve removed your arsenal… so what choices would you have left, except to cough up, or go into hiding?!
Take care. Good luck at the blog awards!
I think I have hit the nail on the head with this?
I did wonder about that nut case in the photo. How does she live? How does she eat/bathe/dress/do anything? There really are some very strange people on this tiny planet.
You wouldn’t be popular in the USA for this notion Grandad. The dentists here make a total fortune giving everyone perfect teeth. Haven’t you noticed from pictures and films that no one has their original teeth – they’ve all been fixed up in some fashion. What would they do for a living then – if you took away their right to charge us thousands for fixing our non-growing teeth? And most of them have fake nails anyway…
@Tricia: Perhaps all these unemployed dentists would then band together in gangs of dental thuggery, going out in the wee hours shooting unwary strangers with tranquilizer guns and removing several of their teeth while their victims were unconscious in some sort of twisted act of justifying their existence.
Or perhaps they could all become dentacurists:
Going out for a dentacure, love. I’ll pick up your tobacco on the way home.
Either way I think it would do my heart a world of good seeing them all driving second hand cars.