Those of you who have been reading this site for a while now will have come to realise that I’m a very placid bloke.
I take life as it comes and rarely complain about anyone or anything.
There are times though, when even someone as mild as me gets a little bit riled. And that time has come.
A week or so ago, I wrote about my local shops having no pipe tobacco. When I wrote that, the shelves had already been bare for a week. So this famine has been going on now for over two weeks.
What are the United Nations doing about it? Where’s Bob Geldof when you really need him? Why isn’t that fucker Bono screaming from the rooftops?
Right here, in the heart of the so called civilised world, there is a famine of biblical proportions.
I wouldn’t mind if they were just out of my brand, because I am prepared to switch brands temporarily. I am a reasonable chap, after all. But there isn’t a sniff of pipe tobacco of any type, shape, flavour or nationality.
They have cigarettes all right. Tons of the fucking things. They have cigarette tobacco which temporarily raises my hopes when I see it because the packs are similar. The poor shopkeepers keep offering me cigarette tobacco when I lambaste them for their lack of consideration but you can’t put cigarette tobacco in a pipe. It’s disgusting.
What in the name of all that’s holy is going on?
Why have they stopped shipping pipe tobacco to my county?
At the moment I am subsisting on tobacco that I bought on the ferry back from France. It’s not my blend and it makes me cough. I’m down to my last pack of that and I’m getting ratty.
If they don’t ship in some tobacco fast, there is going to be trouble. I am in a bad mood, and when I am in a bad mood, little girls stop laughing and the birds stop singing.
I want my tobacco NOW.
In the meantime, I’m going out.
I’m going to find some kittens to set fire to, and some butterflies to pull their wings off.
You really wouldn’t like me when I have no tobacco.