Between the devil and the deep blue sea — 26 Comments

  1. Just go away 😉

    All employees are entitled to holidays, if you are on holidays all problems are sorted!

  2. If they call put on a foriegn accent and say “Je ne comprend pas, quis est grandad? Je suis le Scarlet Pimpernel”. I do that when the license inspector calls. Then I run him through with my rapier and twiddle my moustache (with panache of course).

  3. That is a pickle. I’m wondering how the situation arose in the first place. I can only imagine you caught someone doing something awful and they had to let you go, but they couldn’t just cut you off completely because you knew too much. In which case, this whole scenario has clearly been designed to deal with you once and for all. WATCH YOUR BACK, GRANDAD.

  4. Grannymar – I’m not sure about leave. Though come to think of it, I haven’t applied for leave in seven years so I’m due over six months?

    Thrifty – I will practice that tonight. And it may come in handy if I get to France too. And can you send me some panache for the mustache please?

    Kae – They know me too well for that one. I think I hold the all time record for sickies.

  5. Emordino – Hah!! You are much closer to the truth than you think! I wear the key to the bank safety box around my neck 😉

  6. yep, good old sickleave is always the best when troubles arise, it was a solution highly practised in all commie countries.

  7. Just put on your best Polish accent when you answer the phone. If it’s a call you want to take switch back, if not just no speaky englishki should cover you! 🙂 What a quandry!

  8. Deborah – I have developed quite a good Polish accent after all those call centres!! The trouble is that I can’t use a Polish accent in a letter.

    Thrifty – Thanks. I have standards that are expected of me.

  9. Grandad,

    I think Schroedinger’s Cat might be able to help you. There is an idea in quantum physics that atoms can be in two places simultaneously – so you could be on strike and not on strike and at work and not in work at the same time.

    The problem is that this superposition of atoms doesn’t work if there is external interference, like someone watching. Something called decoherence sets in, which means you are either very firmly in your office at Montrose or very firmly at home, but not in both places simultaneously.

    So the answer must be that for you to achieve both states and fulfil your contract, everyone has to ignore you.

  10. I’m with Kae, it’s got to be a sicky. Although I’m strangely drawn to Thrifty’s running people through with panache suggestions. Hmmm. Tricky.

  11. Ian – Now why didn’t I think of that? But then if I’m in both places at once, I’m breaking both contracts, and if I’m in neither place I don’t exist?

    E Mum – It’s no wonder this country is in a state of chassis when everyone wants to throw a sickie! There’s nothing wrong with me that a re-bore, a new cylinder head gasket and a change of oil wouldn’t fix.

  12. I had you pegged as more of a Copacabana Musk sort of an Irishman, Grandad.

    Your problem’s a doozy all right. There’s only one thing for it. A terrible accident is going to have to befall Granny so you are forced to take leave adn become her primary caregiver. The timing of the recovery is key so she will have to remain indoors and out of sight until the strike is resolved. She’s a good woman and I’m sure she won’t mind taking one for the team. She doesn’t actually have to be injured of course – I sure as hell wouldn’t do it for my husband – but think of it as a test. Will she throw herself down the stairs or doesn’t she love you any more? Granny, if you’re reading this – you might be able to fake some quite convincing injuries with some blueberry juice and a red felt-tip.

    Didn’t Schrodinger’s cat stand a 50% chance of dying? It’s a bit alarming that your readers are so cavalier with your lives in their advice!

  13. Actually, didn’t Schrodinger live in Dublin for a bit? Merrion Square or someplace?

  14. [Rock] [Grandad] [Hardplace]

    Schrödinger is said to have knocked up a couple of students while in Dublin. He, however refuted that, claiming it was the cat – “he was there and there, not I”.

  15. Sam – I wouldn’t dream of harming a hair on her head [mind you, that leaves plenty of other bits?]. It’s a neat idea though….. I’ll lock her in the coal hole for a couple of months until the fuss has died down.

  16. Grandad a couple of those scenario’s will require a doctors note and if your appointment is delayed you could be more screwed than you are now.

  17. So,

    You get paid, but under the terms of this contract,
    You are not allowed work anywhere else,

    Are you sure you havent died and gone to Heaven?

  18. June – The problem is the timing. If I get a cert too early, it will expire, and if I get it too late, it’s too late.

    JD – Best idea yet!!

    Sam – I can work anywhere else, but I can’t work for RTE. I get paid not to work for them. It makes life very difficult when I want to negotiate a productivity deal.

    I did work for a while with FAS. That gave the tax man a mighty headache, because I was working for two state companies at the same time. I had fun with that.

  19. If they call you in and you work and then they fire you for breach of contract, it would sound like unfair dismissal to me.

    I’m sure that you brothers and sisters in the union would agree and go on strike in solidarity with you.

    You’d probably end up with a considerable settlement in your favour.

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