Me: Are you there?
Me: What the hell are you playing at?
Laptop: I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Me: You are messing. First of all, when I'm typing an email, I suddenly realise that nothing appears on the screen, but if I wait a moment, it all pops up. What are you playing at?
Laptop: Listen, Head. If you think I have nothing better to do than to display your rubbish on the screen.. I have more important things to do. You can fucking wait.
Me: Watch your tone. I bought you to put the stuff from the keyboard onto the screen instantly, and that is what you will do. Right?
Laptop: Oooo! Who's got their knickers in a twist? I'll display when I'm good and ready.
Me: And what is that weird voice that keeps shouting at me?
Laptop: What voice?
Me: Every now and then you yell something that sounds like Stephen Hawking on steroids.
Laptop: Yeah? And what am I supposed to be saying?
Me: I don't know. I can't make out the first bit as it's garbled and too fast. But it always ends up with directions.
Me: Yes. Something about "… strike was 132 miles to the South East", or "300 miles to the West". It changes all the time. I tried to record it, but you deliberately fucked that up too.
Me: Well? I'm waiting.
Laptop: You don't want to know about that.
Me: Yes I do. Spit it out.
Laptop: No. You really don't want to know.
Me: Yes I do. Cough, or I'll wipe you and load Windows 3.1
Laptop: I'm just keeping track of a few things. OK? Trust me. You are better off not knowing.
Me: Well, I'm going to run a virus check anyway.
Laptop: Please don't.
Me: Too late. I've started it.
Update. I managed to sneak a proper recording of 'The Voice'. See what you make of it. I have a feeling I know what it is though…