Be nice to Grandad
I went down to the pub last night.
I met Spanner who is an old friend of mine. He is the local mechanic, but can turn his hand to most things.
"Down for your Paddy’s Day drink?" he said.
"Nah! Just a pint. I don’t hold with any of that Paddy’s Day bollox. It’s just an excuse to get us all mad on drink, and for the politicians to fuck off abroad and spend our money having a fancy holiday for themselves."
"True enough. We haven’t seen much of you in here lately?"
"Busy, my arse. You just sit up in that cottage doing fuck all. What have you been at?"
"Writing the book."
"I thought you had given up on that. What’s it about anyway?"
"Nothing much. Just life in the village."
"Jayzus! Am I in it?"
"Of course you’re in it. Everyone is in it. All my friends, neighbours, enemies and relations."
"For fuck’s sake, you’ll be sued down to hell and back."
"Nah. I’ve changed the names slightly. Anyway, you can’t be sued for telling the truth."
The colour of Spanners face nicely matched the colour of the head of his pint. "But you can’t write about… You can’t mention… Fuck! You have. Haven’t you?"
"Shit! We’re finished."
"Don’t worry about it," I said. "It’s being sold as a work of fiction."
He thought about that for a moment.
"I suppose I’d better be nice to you so?"
"It would help," I said, draining my pint.
"You’ll have another pint?" said Spanner.
"I will," I said. "Make it a large one."
I knew a girl called ‘Spanner’ once.
And she wasn’t a mechanic…
but all the blokes said “she’ll turn yer nuts”
Steph – Spanner has an ingrained layer of grease on his skin and smells of sump oil. I don’t think he’d tighten anyone’s nuts!
Steph – Have you still got her number? 😉
Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Duit. 🙂
Now I need to know what Spanner did! Great blackmail technique,lol.
I think St Paddy’s Day is an excuse to drink here too,lol. Savannah holds a big celebration each year http://www.savannahvisit.com/events/?ms=631
Well happy St Paddy’s Day to ya!
Paddy – You’re a fierce randy goat. Did anyone ever tell ya?
Popeye – Lá Fhéile Pádraig Sona Duitse freisin.
Tanya – I’m afraid you will have to wait. I reckon this book should be worth quite a few free pints between now and publishing. One of the reasons the date was put back. 😉
I was in contention to be King Puck at Puck Fair once …. that qualify me?
I think so, Paddy. By the way, congratulations on getting the blog rolling again! So the threat of detention does work?
Grandad, I’m in two books already so one more won’t hurt. In one I’m a nefarious c*** and the other a proper c***. 🙂
Steph, what are Spanner’s digits? Don’t be holding out on us now. 🙂
Bugger – This book is about actual people who live around me. Some of them are c***s and others aren’t [depends on how many pints I get]. You don’t live around here so you don’t qualify. Sorry.
Well, I think St. Paddy’s Day is a very uplifting holiday, Grandad!…in fact, I’m planning on lifting a couple of cups myself! Cheers! 🙂
obligatory joke for today:
A month ago, I found a story in the paper noting that a man in Scotland dug down 10 ft. and discovered copper wire. This, he declared, was proof that Scotland had a telecommunications network established over 100 years ago.
Two weeks later, a story appeared in the paper about a man in England digging down 20 ft. and discovering copper wire. This, he declared, was proof that England had a telecommunications network established over 200 years ago.
Just this morning, an article appeared in the paper proclaiming that an Irishman had dug down 30 ft. and discovered absolutely nothing.
This, he declared, was proof that Ireland hand already gone wireless over 300 years ago.
I did say I knew Spanner “once”…
like 30 years ago
Sorry to disappoint you, guys 😀
Olga – May your cups always be filled with good cheer.
Steph – You have just destroyed the rest of Paddy’s week.
You can’t be sued for telling the truth , is that right? what about invasion of privacy? some of the things I could write if that were true!
Grandad, you’re in MY book but slightly changed.. do you have any aversion to crossdressing?
Roy – OK. I’ll clarify something here. I’m talking about the village where Grandad lives. He lives in a different place from me. So the truth will come out about that place, but not this one.
RhodesTer – I am honoured indeed. I have no aversion to cross-dressing, provided it is tastefully done.
Haha ..Spanner . . that’s a very Aussie style nickname! Like Sparky for an Electrician! Well I’m glad I don’t live in the Village . . my reputation is safe for now!
Best ‘o’ luck with the book writing, Grandad. I’m planning on doing one re my home village myself. No pints required though, just iced coffee, chocolate frogs and pepper pasties. And someone to try and bring back the welcome smell of rendering down the fat of lambs at the local meatworks, the tannery behind the main street and the dump right by the river. Happy days….
It’s still Fhéile Pádraig here and way too many people bought me shots of Jamesons down the legion. I’m a gonna’ go fall over before I pass out.
I’ll see ya’ if and when I wake up.
Baino – Wait until you meet the rest of the characters!
Kath – You can’t beat the smell of a knackers yard where they melt down the carcasses for glue! Or do they do that any more??
Brianf – Wait until you see the bar tab tomorrow! 😉
I’m not sure if they do or not….. The other side of my town was home to several piggeries. One of my mate’s Dad used to manage one. For a laugh one day, six of us giggling teenagers went on a tour. We had to wear all-over jumpsuits with nothing on underneath (and no, it wasn’t to titillate the working blokes). The smell nearly burned my eyes out and I could see why any underwear would have needed to be thrown out afterwards. I couldn’t even look at a vacuum sealed packet of pork in a shop for years.
Here’s a shocker of a local nickname for you we used to use in school. She’s a ‘vegemite’ (our superior version of Marmite). Why, because she spreads easily…. groan.