Bless me father, for I have sinned.
It is forty five years since my last confession.
Yes. I did say forty five years. Stop whining. You lucky I’m here now. Now, where was I? Oh yes…….
I have partaken of genetically modified food by eating seedless grapes.
White ones. Stop fucking interrupting me.
I have lit countless bonfires, thereby destroying the environment. I suppose you can add the fact that I own a car to that.
I have conducted a morally debatable scientific experiment by ramming a firework up a tourist’s arse.
He asked for it. I told you to stop interrupting.
Last week I aided a drug user by giving them a light outside the Alexander Hotel.
In mitigation though, I don’t have a fortune of billions in the bank. Nor have I buggered any children in the last few years.
No. I don’t repent. Do you?
Feck off then.
See you in another forty five years…..