How do vegetarians like their steak cooked?
I was at a Do last night.
Now, I am a quiet bloke who likes the peaceful life up in the mountains, so I find these functions somewhat bewildering at the best of times.
Last night was surreal, to put it mildly. I know exactly how Alice felt as she entered the portals of Wonderland.
First of all, to get to the function, I had to walk on water. The water was full of goldfish, and they all scattered as I walked on them. I drove them into a corner and managed to squish a few.
Then people kept coming at me and pushing glasses of wine into my hand. I didn’t mind that bit. I wasn’t in the mood for Guinness anyway.
A lot of total strangers came up to me and asked if I was Grandad. Why? How did they know me? I wasn’t wearing my blue woolly hat.
Then we had a meal. The main course was a choice of chicken or steak, but one of the people at my table told them she was vegetarian. That threw them into a complete spin and waiters and managers started rushing all over the place. Eventually, they served her steak and hoped she wouldn’t notice. Steak and courgette. She doesn’t like courgette, so she went hungry.
At one stage I went outside for a puff of the pipe. Our K8 was with me and she grew a rash of goose pimples so I took off my jacket to give to her, as I was too warm. Immediately a bloke who looked and sounded like James Nesbitt insisted on rubbing my boobs. I don’t have any, by the way, but that didn’t stop him. He did it to prove that I was a man. As if the beard wasn’t enough.
I have a problem with my hearing, which means that if there is any kind of background noise, I can’t hear what people are saying to me. There was a LOT of background noise, so I’m not sure what anyone said last night. Except James Nesbitt of course, but that was because we were outside.
So having finished our dinner, and listened to the noise for a while, we left.
K8 and I walked on the water again, but this time we played Sheep Dog Trials. We managed to herd all the goldfish into one corner and squished most of them.
I never saw the White Rabbit though.
-oOo-
And on a completely different note…..
Huge congratulations to FeeBee at The Waiting Game for winning the Digital Media Award for Best Blog. Nip over and congratulate her. She deserves it.
Thanks Grandad! I couldn’t hear anyone either, I just smiled while people talked. Was great to meet you and, for the record, you was robbed!
Hi Feebee. I was not robbed. I was delighted you won. So you didn’t hear a word of what I said to you, huh?
And, for the record, is anything I said above not true? Though you didn’t meet James Nesbitt!
Plenty of time to get the suit pressed for the next Award ceremony, or will you wear the blue hat?
There is no way that I’m wearing a dickie bow again. I hate the things….
It’s all true. Except the bit about the steak. I think you might find that our lady friend played a small part in the mix-up, was quite funny. But obviously not that she was hungry.
Ah! I misheard the details then. Actually, I didn’t hear the details at all. I didn’t hear anything except noise…..
Pity I missed James Nesbitt rubbing your boobs. I must take up smoking again. I’m deaf in one ear usually haven’t a clue what people are saying to me in noisy places. I turn into a nodding loon and just “Oh right” a lot.
Lovely to meet you last night.
John (not the brain drain) Braine 🙂
Hi John B – It seems no one could hear anybody last night. So none of us have a clue as to what went on. It was worth it for the fish though.
Great meeting you too. 🙂
That’s an uplifting site she’s got going there,
Oh so THAT’s what that was.
I thought it was a bash for Dave Fanning’s birthday last night. Seemed like he was really eager to get some drinking done from the speed of his speech… Deborah’s right, he should be presenting the Oscars.
It was actually quite funny. Fanning was announcing them so quickly that as soon as the winner got their award, they were pushed off the stage by the next one. He could do the Oscars in twenty minutes flat!
So Grandad, did you get first runner up or Miss Congeniality or any thing?
I got somewhere between second and fifth place. They didn’t say what though.
The only grope I got was where I was the victim. I’m losing my touch!
Good to meet you last night. I told the organisers that they should hand out fishing rods, but they looked at me strange. A fresh catch might have gone some way to solving the chicken or beef conundrum and been something to cart away for those of us who left empty-handed…
Commiserations Grandad . . .can’t imagine why anyone would rub your boobs unless it’s like rubbing the stomach of the Buddha for good luck! How bizarre!
Hi Kieran and welcome!! It was great meeting the two of you too [that’ll confuse some readers!!]. Actually, fishing rods would have been great. You can imagine us all sitting around the corridor trying to catch goldfish!! Mind you, they were lively buggers…….
Baino – It could have been a Buddha thing, but his excuse was that he was testing me for manliness. We were outside, and I was wearing a shirt only [apart from the usual trousers and stuff – don’t get excited]. He said if I was a man I could take the cold, and that if I wasn’t, my nipples would be hard[?!]. Apparently I passed with flying colours? Some people are very strange…………………
son –
ah…we are SO proud of you, your adopted mum and myself.
we couldn’t, of course, make it over for the ceremony(being anchored off Borneo; that’s for another time), but we listened to the simulcast on XM Radio…well, when it wasn’t in direct competetion with Benny Hill on BBS America, you understand; but I believe we caught the gist of it. sorry you lost out, but the results were, we both agreed, fair.
strangely, nothing you described in your post was reported. no matter. i am estacic that you ‘got lucky’ in such a public forum – though i do hope K8 didn’t have to witness it firsthand. however, i am against you coninuing the hormnone therapy: at your age once you start, you have to keep going or the ‘sag’ factor droops in and, well, then it’s the man-bra for sure. just go with what odin gave you. that and the blue watch cap should see you nicely.
best regards,
your ol’ lost adopted dad
Hi Doc. I’m glad you got to hear the broadcast. It’s on television somewhere too, but I don’t know where.
Actually, K8 did witness my getting lucky [as you so nicely put it] and was highly amused. As for the ‘sag factor’, I intend to continue wearing the old string vest with the holes in. It’s a little grey after all these years, but I’m used to it. K8 is knitting me a new blue cap.
Ok I am going to have to clarify. I ordered the chicken because it sounded good, but it came out covered in courgette. Which I loathe. *SHUDDER* No logic to it, just can’t bear the thought of the stuff! So I asked if there was a vegetarian option as the beef looked like it had been down to the crematorium and back. When the risotto came, it too was covered in courgette, so I had to go for the beef. Heh. Now having said all that if I had forked out the €220 + VAT for that I would have been very very pissed off. Good thing the company made up for the crap food! 😉
It was great (or should I say GR8) meeting you and K8! Hope to see you both again at the blog awards!
Deborah – Never let the truth spoil a good story! What surprises me is that even with my meagre culinary skills, I could have whipped up something in ten minutes or less. Surely they had the ingredients? Or could they just not be bothered?
As you say.. for €220 plus VAT? Of the three yokes I was invited to since November, that was the cheapest. How can they justify those prices?