Talk Talk are a shower of tossers tossers
It was nice and warm in the house yesterday.
I was sitting in my favourite armchair which is very comfortable. I had had a rough night and so I was feeling a little sleepy. All was quiet in the house, so I got myself into a nice cosy position and shut my eyes.
I had just dozed off when the phone rang.
“Hello” said a horribly cheerful voice. “Is that Grandad?”
I admitted that it was.
“I’m ringing from Cork”
“That’s nice” says I. I didn’t know they had phones in Cork. Maybe he was the first person to get one and he was trying it out.
“I’m sure you’ll be very interested in a special offer from ‘Talk Talk’, where you can save lots of money on your phone calls.”
I had been a sleeping Grandad. In approximately one picosecond I became an hormonal Gordon Ramsey on steroids.
“Did you f*cking wake me with one of your f*cking special offers?” I roared.
There was a long pause.
“It’s a very special offer” he said, slightly more timidly.
“I don’t f*cking care if it the offer of a f*cking lifetime. I hate cold calls” I shouted.
Another long pause.
“Would you like me to tell you what the offer is?” he said hopefully.
“I would like to tell you to stick your f*cking offer up your f*cking *rse” I said.
“You would save a lot of money?”
I had to hand it to the little b*ll*x – he had staying power.
“Listen” I said. “You have cold called me. You woke me up. You have cr*p ads on television. You have a stupid company name. I don’t want to hear your f*cking special offers. Now rev up and F*CK OFF.”
“You are not interested then?”
“Listen, you little sh*t. Stick your f*cking offer where the sun don’t shine. I don’t even have a phone.”
That last bit stumped him. I don’t think he’d heard that line of argument before. He hung up.
I have set my computer to auto dial.
It is going to phone the Director of Talk Talk every fifteen minutes starting at three in the morning. It won’t hang up. It will offer him a special offer of a lifetimes supply of pig manure.
I can’t help wondering what the mysterious letter is in “f*uck”… it must be a /really/ strong expletive if you need to hide it in another weaker one!
cheeky w*anker
😆 Woops! The word is fluck. It’s a very very obscene word!
I put our landline on the “no cold call” list and for some reason the only cold calls that we get are from eircom.
I gave the last one to ring (from Bangalore in India) such abuse that I was actually quite embarassed about it afterwards. Haven’t heard from them since. Mind you that abuse was slightly warranted as they rang me twice in the space of an hour.
I put our number on that list too, but it seems to have slipped off again for some reason. I get quite a few now. A lot are ‘surveys’ that will ‘only require a few minutes of my time’. They all get an earful, and I don’t feel embarrassed, as they rang me.
Talk to them in Irish…
As my landline phone number is withheld and ex directory I am seldom troubled with cold calls.
My problems are cold callers at the door selling religion!
The last group from the local Gospel Hall seemed surprised when I exaggerated my southern accent and invited them in to say the Rosary. They made excuses and departed with haste!
I usually greet cold callers wth ‘Please hold, your call is important to me. I will be with you as soon as I can’ and leave the phone on the table and walk away. It only takes a couple of minutes for them to get the message and hang up.
Grannymar – We don’t have problems with religious callers. Not since I painted that pentangle on the front door.
Jack – I like it! I must get a [very bad] recording of Greensleeves……
‘Greensleves’ The mobile X-Ray van had one for their slot beside the Pillar. Call them and they might be able to oblige.
Grandad,
Why did you paint a picture of an English folk group on your door?
http://www.iconicmusic.com/pictures/news/20070120173606pentangle1.jpg
When asked could they speak to the person who pays the bill, I tell them its an Englishman. ‘Oh’, they say, ‘thank you for your time’ and hang up. I tell them the complete truth and they go away.
Next time they ask, say that someone from Dublin pays and see what response you get.
I had someone doing a survey of radio listening she kept getting me to try to identify station slogans and personalities – I answered Lyric FM to every question. She then said I must listen to something else, I did, I said, BBC Radio 4. she didn’t seem very happy.
Ian – A great group! I remember them well. I might try a variation on your theme.. The bill payer is doing a ten year stretch, or something like that? When it comes to surveys, if I decide to do them, I just give the first answer that comes into my head.
Our nuisance call register seems to work. I don’t get any more calls from India . . . unfortunately politicians and charities are excempt. So now I have to give $50 a month to the Royal Society for the Blind, Surf Life Saving Australia, The Heart Foundation, House with No Steps and have somehow been roped into the Salvo’s Red Shield Appeal as a collection officer in March. How do I say no?
No such trouble with politicians . . . I just tell them I’m the person who pays their wages and to stop wasting my tax dollar on telephone canvassing!
I don’t mean to brag, but when mormons come a knockin’, I send them away with something to read !
brilliant idea ..and one I shall try on that bugger who keeps calling about aluminum siding….:)
A few years ago I received a call from the Nielsen TV ratings company. She went into her spiel and told me it would only take a few minutes. I told her I do not own a TV. Long Pause. Sir, which of the nightly national new casts do you watch? I don’t own a TV, says I. Long Pause. Sir, how many hours a day do those in your household watch television. I said, “Permiso, pero you no tengo un television. I can tell you this in a few more languages seeing as how you’re not very adept at English”. Very long pause. Sir of all the national networks……click. They never called back.
Out of curiosity, did your caller from Cork have a strong Asian accent?
Baino – Politicians? Oh! How I would love it if our politicians phoned!! I would have a great time.
TT – Old copies of Playboy?
Brianf – Your self and Grannymar are modern day freaks. Neither of you have televisions. I admire you for it.
Richard – I doubt I would have been so fluent if he were Asian. In fact he was English.
Hey Brianf, lets start our own club. ‘Modern Day Freaks’ ~ with an exclusive membership!
Not Playboy, no. Usually a scientific rationale for creation. Honest !
TT – I wonder how many you have converted? 🙂
Not a one I am sure. I remember once, on vacation, strolling through a market in the north of England and being accosted by missionaries from the town where I live. I had to show them my state drivers license before they would believe me. I had to ask them “shouldn’t you be in darkest Africa ?”
Now that’s something I never thought of telling the telemarketers — I don’t have a phone! Good idea! Thanks GranDad! 🙂
Welcome Linda! I don’t know where I get these ideas. Either I’m a lateral thinker or I’m insane. I haven’t worked out which, yet.