Back to the future
It has happened again.
I had a wee nap in my armchair yesterday. Actually, it turned into quite a nice sleep.
When I awoke, I felt a bit stiff in the back.
Bugger. I know the signs. I had to take things very carefully. But, sure enough, a couple of hours later, the back went. Just like that. I wasn’t doing anything at the time [just easing myself into a chair], but the pain shot up my spine and down again.
It has happened quite a few times before. That’s what comes of being tall and thin. It’s hereditary, so I blame my parents.
One of the times it went was at Christmas, several years ago. I was out of work for a couple of weeks after, which didn’t please the boss. The following Christmas, I broke three ribs [it was an incident with a frying pan, I think]. That was really painful, and I was out of work for six weeks. The Christmas after that, I was carrying a big box downstairs and slipped. I sat on my foot and pulled a few ligaments or something. I was out of work for a few weeks with that too.
The problem was that on three consecutive Christmas holidays, I wrecked myself, and the boss didn’t believe in that kind of coincidence. He thought I was swinging the lead, and it took loads of letters and x-rays to convince him otherwise. Bastard.
So now I am walking around like someone has a gun in my back. And I have to go to a function tonight, where they are threatening to film me.
That should be fun.
Well, Grandad, if they film you in your current condition, you will no doubt look all the more like your nom de plume, so I wouldn’t worry about that side of things. I have also heard that vast quantities of painkillers of the right sort can generate feelings of enormous bonhomie and all’s-right-with-the-world-ness.
Please keep the good bit covered during the interview!!
I have every intention of tanking up on various “remedies”. I’d better not drink too much on top of it!
Grannymar – Why? I want to make a good impression…
Well what’s on tonight then?
Flirty – Just a wee do for the Netvisionary Awards thingy. I think they want to verify that I exist?
Grandad – And do you?
Aww Geez! I feel for ya’. I have put my back out twice in the past. Both times I was out of commision for a few weeks. Be glad you’re able to walk or hobble as it may be. My Doctor gives me some mild muscle relaxers for when it strikes. How comes ones back only gets hurt when performing a simple taks like easing into a chair or bending down to pick a dropped pencil? It never seems to happen when chopping wood or caber tossing or anything like that. Hmmmm!?
Weird. Same thing happens to me every Christmas! I put it down to reduced activity levels and increased alcohol intake. Maybe we suffer from the same affliction?
Come to think of it. I haven’t noticed many dog turds on the walls lately. Have you put your clubs away GD?
Sit-ups. Lots of them. Obviously once the back is fixed. Not only will your abs then do the work in stead of your back, but you get to pretend you are Leon the assassin while you do them. The don’t cost as much as pills or doctors either. Worked for me.
Karyn – No. I’m only a figleaf of your imagination.
BrianF – The first time I really did damage, I was lugging bails of briquettes around [and they are heavy when you harry three at a time. I finished. I bent dund to pick a piece of dirt off the ground. Bang went the back!
Neighbour – Your house is safe. I’m building a new fourteenth green between us.
Thriftcriminal – You are obviously a young lad. If I tried that, I’d be crippled for life.
It’s all tension and diet-related grandad. You need to go to someone like Gillian McKeith and let her poke about in your poo with a wee stick and talk about greasy stools and such like. Then eat nothing but goji berries and dung cakes for a month, and curiously, a packet of Murray Mints every day.
To be honest, I have absolutely no idea if any of this would work, but I would certainly look forward to reading your posts on the subject.
Bad timing Grandad, take a tip from my Aussie farriers, three Voltarin and half a bottle of vodka. Walk around function bolt upright nodding your head sagely and saying, “Thank you, thank you very much . . . “
I love that the band for the Net Visionary awards is Jungle Boogie.
Please, please, please, somebody post video of Grandad doing the boogie!
Good Luck tonight Grandad!
Terence – I think you have been watching too many Celebrities in the Jungle? Or maybe you are just weird?
Baino – Funny you should say that. That’s exactly what I did. Except I used Volterol, not the other one.
Sixty – I can’t dance. I am brilliant at everything else, but don’t ask me to dance. Please. It’s embarrassing.
SID – You a b*st*rd. You never warned that Paul Daniels would appear without warning. That’s not right.
Eoin – Thanks. I managed to escape in one piece.
Bummer about the back. Hope it gets to feeling better soon
Aw, thanks, Leann 🙂
I’m well tanked up on painkillers now so I don’t give a damn!
Why dont you just get a play pen and a minder.
Seems the most sensible course at this stage,