Go stuff your sofa
An open letter to all furniture manufacturers.
Will you please f*ck off.
I am sick to the teeth of your advertisements popping up on all television channels trying to sell me sitting room suites that I don’t need or want.
I don’t care if you have dropped the price from €1,999 to €999. I still don’t want them. And it shows how grossly overpriced they were to start with if you can’t sell them after knocking €1,000 off.
I don’t like leather suites either. I don’t like sitting on dead animals. and leather is uncomfortable. It’s cold, and slippery. And Sandy will damage it in no time at all.
And what is thing about promising delivery by Christmas? Do you imagine that that is the only day of the year when people sit down? Are we all standing around saying to ourselves “Oh my God! Do you realise it’s nearly Christmas and we have nowhere to sit!”?
Another point. The stuff you are trying to flog is a stupid size. If I put it in my sitting room, I wouldn’t be able to get through the door to sit on it. Though I’d have great fun watching you lot trying to get it in in the first place.
I have three couches, and six armchairs. I also have four kitchen chairs and two emergency fold up chairs and a good old-fashioned rocking chair. So I don’t need your crap.
Obviously you have over ordered the things and have warehouses full of them. You are getting desperate now to get rid of them. You are trying to make me feel incomplete unless I have one or two, and that my Christmas will be destroyed if I don’t have one of them to sit on.
It won’t work.
Just f*ck off.
Grrr! This gets to me too Grandad.
Can you just not buy the people in the adverts?
You know..the freshly showered blonde in the dressing gown or the well behaved earthangels playing on the floor?
SID – So it’s not just me? Why do they all insist on flinging themselves in a swallow dive onto the seats? Are they all on something?
You can have the blonde, and as for the rugrats…….
Oh Gawd, they have the same damn commercials here too. The entire living room suite was $1999, now just $999. For a limited time only you get all three pieces for the low, low price of $699……AND we’ll throw in two end tables and a coffee table ….AT NO CHARGE TO YOU ! Call before midnight tonight, operators are standing by. We open at 5AM, so come early for the best selection. We’re open late for your convenience.
Now don’t get me started on the clones they use in these commercials. Though the ones that reek of cheepness are the commercials that use the owners wife in the ads!
Gawd, I hate those commercials. They’re right up there with the prescription drug adverts. UGH!
Yay!! It sounds like the same ad!! Interest free until 2500AD and nothing to pay until after you’re dead.
In this part of the world the prices are reduced from Stg£1999 to Stg£999.
Grandad’s prices are reduced from €1,999 to €999.
Brian’s prices are reduced from $1999 to $999
Who gets the best value?
You could always switch off the TV or throw it out like I did!
Or you could “hurry on down to Harvey Norman’s where the prices are only famous”!!!
Oh Christ! Harvey Norman! Don’t get me started.
With regards to the furniture ads, I bet that if you did call to one of the stores advertised you would be hard pushed to find a suite at the price advertised. You would probably be told that there were only two or three of them and they have already been sold.
Grannymar – I always mute the sound for the ads [so at least I miss that damned Harvey Norman jingle], but they still come at me visually.
It’s just that there seems to be so many of them. Why aren’t we flooded with lawnmower ads, or central heating boiler ads. Why furniture???????
Grandad – what about those irritating radio ads?
I’m thinking of that awful Abbey Glen hotel one where “there’s free champagne on arrival and don’t forget – the password is Cheers!” Grrr!!!
And does anybody really know or care what it is that Steve Davis is boring us to death about?
Steph – I was listening to Classic FM the other day. I like that station.
But suddenly they started playing “Hark, The Herald Angels Sing” and waffling on about Christmas. I have only played CDs since. The radio stays OFF ’til the New Year.
This also applies.. to appliance big box stores…my local car dealership and all electronic stores that think that if you don’t have the latest and greates gadget you are subhuman….
Robert B – It’s the concept that if you don’t have their little bit of tat, that your Christmas is going to be utterly destroyed and ruined.
“Oh My God!! I never ordered that couch. It’ll never arrive in time for Christmas. Where’s the strychnine?”
Haha . . I’ve tuned into “Grumpy Old Men”! You have Harvey Norman in Ireland? Gerry Harvey is an Aussie – lives about 5kms from me shall I complain to him on your behalf?
You think the ads are bad now? They’ll only get worse from now through December 24, at least, and then there will be the post-holiday sales . . . . If we rushed to buy all that stuff before Christmas, we wouldn’t be able to afford any holiday food or drink to enjoy while sitting on all that furniture!
Baino – No. Don’t kill him. Just park a speaker van outside his house and play inane ads at him 24 hours a day.
Marlys – I’m well aware that we are heading into that ghastly feeding frenzy of commercialism that is called Christmas. Doubtless I’ll have something to say about that.
It’s just this weird furniture thing. I can understand ads for toys, food, drink, perfume and so on, by why furniture?????
I have also noticed that the suites they actually show in those ads are usually gaudy, red, and look like a load of shite.
And as for Harvey Norman – for a start, everyone hates fucking australians, so why they think that having one of these braying convicts shouting at us every 15 minutes will make us troop down tho their warehouse and buy some cheap piece of crap always flummoxes me.
…oh yeah – good to see that you’re still blogging away and that your threat to retire wasn’t acted upon!
Grandad,
Back in the 1970s people would be regularly seen dressed in skins of settees that they had shot themselves.
http://www.rustyzipper.com/shop.cfm/rz/type~Jackets%20-%20Leather/gender~Mens/mensleatherjackets.cfm?nav=rec
Since the hunting of settees became unfashionable, there has been a lack of a market for their skins and they have got bigger and bigger, to the point that they take over your room.
The answer is to go out and shoot the settees before they grow to unmanageable sizes. This needs to be done with a rifle now, shotguns leave pellet holes just in the part of the settee where you want to sit.
OFTRoad – Not all Australians are bad. They may all be descended from criminals, but we won’t hold that against them.
And I never threatened to retire. I don’t know where that started…
Ian – The old leopardskin?! Good idea though to go out shooting couches. I can just see you in Bargaintown with a 12 bore!
😉
Imagine my disappointment when my doting grandmother passed away and left me nothing in her will. the old crone ; i used to lick up to her no end . the others were left an even 200 k each.
but to my consternation she left me a flea ridden old sofa like the kind you describe except it was a 1850 modle.
well I was disappointed , so much so that i didnt get a decent hard on for 4 weeks and when my girlfriend found the cause of my deep despair she offered to give me the first blow job on that sofa.
I thought it might serve the old witch well if she saw me at it on her beloved sofa and relunctantly agreed.
In the thoes of the affair that followed the old sofa just couldnt take the heaving and what not and just fell apart .
Imagine my disappoitntnment when this happened just before the top of the down swing as it were; when there out on the floor fell three dozen golden nuggets.
reckoned to be worth about 1000 k Im feeling much better about my old sofa now ; so get a life and buy one in a pwan shop .. yopu just never know
You never fail to make me laugh everyday this post “Go stuff your sofa” had me in stitches, love your honesty and humor. I’ve been reading your blog over the months, put you on me blogroll and voted for you in “da awards” this is my first post to you, keep it up Grandad.
Donmacnamara – Good point. You never know what is stuffed down the back of a sofa. And, as you say, you can always get stuffed on it!!
Kieran – Welcome!! And thanks for the kind remarks. You’ve been on my reader for a while [I dunno how it got there!], and I loved that clock you produced. Very clever!!