How to drive in Ireland – an Introduction
There has been a lot of talk in the meeja [sorry – media] over the last few days about driving in Ireland.
For those of you who have been in a coma and have just come around [welcome back, by the way] – the government announced last week that, as and from Tuesday, people who hadn’t passed their driving test could no longer drive around as if they had.
This is a clever move on the part of the government [which in itself is a notable achievement], as it will solve the traffic congestion and parking problems virtually overnight by removing a quarter of all drivers from our roads. However there are now about 400,000 people who can’t get to work on Tuesday. And those 400,000 people are now suddenly facing up to the fact that they have to pass their test, or stay at home.
In some ways, this is an unfair move, as we all know that all Irish people are brilliant drivers from the moment they are born. And as soon as they are old enough, all Irish children get out there on the roads to show the rest of us just how brilliant they are. The sight of a 17 year old driving a souped up VW Golf on the wrong side of the road doing 170 through a series of S bends is something to behold. It would gladden your heart.
However the test is there to standardise the level of brilliance of our drivers.
As part of my ongoing commitment to public service, I have decided to help out.
For a start, I have arranged with the government that tomorrow [Monday] will be a bank holiday. This will give everyone a chance to practice their driving.
Furthermore, I have arranged for Dublin to be closed off to normal traffic for the day. It will only be open to learner drivers and marathon runners.
Lastly [but not leastly] I will be posting a series on How To Drive In Ireland. This series will be a practical guide on how to survive on Irish roads based on my 40 years of driving experience, and should be invaluable to both learner drivers and intending visitors alike.
So I urge you all to come to Dublin tomorrow. Bring your clapped out Fiestas. Bring daddy’s BMW. If necessary, steal a car. All are welcome.
You will have fun learning. You may come across the odd marathon runner, but don’t mind them. They are prats, and deserve to be run down. In fact, it will give you good practice in aiming at pedestrians.
I will be publishing my series in the coming days and weeks, until such time as I finish, become bored with it, or you are all dead.
I’m extra happy because I passed my driving test a few weeks back 😀 It’s just a shame that I have no work to go to on Tuesday so I won’t get to enjoy the clear roads. (As if that will really happen).
What will happen is that over this weekend every learner driver in the country will be taking down their L plates!
I can’t make it to Dublin tomorrow I’m afraid. Will you be holding another course soon or is it just going to be a once off?
Congratulations, Robert. Was that with, or without a bribe?
Sorry to hear you can’t make it. Unfortunately, I won’t be holding another ‘Drive in Dublin’ day for the foreseeable future. However, I will be posting the odd [very odd?] guide from time to time.
Would you believe with no bribe? Not only that I was the last test on a Monday, I had been awake 16 hours and a quick lesson before the test was the first time I had been behind the wheel in just over a year.
The tester probably mistook my head nodding trying to keep my eyes open for checking the mirrors 🙂
Wouldn’t it be far more sensible to tie all the bumpers of the cars on the roads together and just let the driver in the front of the queue do all the work? So much tidier and safer…
K8 – Suppose the driver at the head of the queue decides to drive off a cliff?
That would do the trick of clearing the traffic down, wouldn’t it ? 🙂
It would if the learners were honest and used L plates, but they’ll just take them off and pretend they can drive…..
Having done over 3 million miles on the roads of North America as a long haul truck (lorry) driver.. I have nothing but good to say about Grandad’s public service…the man is a giver of the highest order…I only hope he brings his program over the pond and makes an impact here…otherwise I will have to take the covers off of the bazookas which are mounted on both fenders of my very large vehicle and start taking you blithering idiots out before you hurt me…..
It’s all a moot point now Grandad. You can take tomorrow off and re-arrange for the August Bank Holiday weekend next year.
The plan on implementing the changes have been deferred until 30th June next year 😐
Robert [B] – 3,000,000 miles? Wow! I didn’t know America was that long.
Why are you driving around with women’s breasts on your vehicles? Or does ‘bazooka’ mean something different there?
Robert – I might have known they’d do a U turn [illegal on some roads….]. No. I’ll carry on now, as it is all arranged. And when I promise something – I deliver.
that will give me time to dust down [i’m a very good housewife] the morris minor and buy me ‘l’ lpates……i’ve always wanted to drive but my husband says i drive a car like a garbage disposal expert [a bin lorry driver to me] i’m sure i don’t know what he means!but with you r expert tuition i should be fine to get to work tuesday.
Cooper – A dusty Morris Minor with L plates is the darling of the Irish roads. You’ll be fine.
If you are stopped by the law, just say you are taking the Head Rambles Course in Safer Motoring.