There has been a lot of talk in the meeja [sorry – media] over the last few days about driving in Ireland.
For those of you who have been in a coma and have just come around [welcome back, by the way] – the government announced last week that, as and from Tuesday, people who hadn’t passed their driving test could no longer drive around as if they had.
This is a clever move on the part of the government [which in itself is a notable achievement], as it will solve the traffic congestion and parking problems virtually overnight by removing a quarter of all drivers from our roads. However there are now about 400,000 people who can’t get to work on Tuesday. And those 400,000 people are now suddenly facing up to the fact that they have to pass their test, or stay at home.
In some ways, this is an unfair move, as we all know that all Irish people are brilliant drivers from the moment they are born. And as soon as they are old enough, all Irish children get out there on the roads to show the rest of us just how brilliant they are. The sight of a 17 year old driving a souped up VW Golf on the wrong side of the road doing 170 through a series of S bends is something to behold. It would gladden your heart.
However the test is there to standardise the level of brilliance of our drivers.
As part of my ongoing commitment to public service, I have decided to help out.
For a start, I have arranged with the government that tomorrow [Monday] will be a bank holiday. This will give everyone a chance to practice their driving.
Furthermore, I have arranged for Dublin to be closed off to normal traffic for the day. It will only be open to learner drivers and marathon runners.
Lastly [but not leastly] I will be posting a series on How To Drive In Ireland. This series will be a practical guide on how to survive on Irish roads based on my 40 years of driving experience, and should be invaluable to both learner drivers and intending visitors alike.
So I urge you all to come to Dublin tomorrow. Bring your clapped out Fiestas. Bring daddy’s BMW. If necessary, steal a car. All are welcome.
You will have fun learning. You may come across the odd marathon runner, but don’t mind them. They are prats, and deserve to be run down. In fact, it will give you good practice in aiming at pedestrians.
I will be publishing my series in the coming days and weeks, until such time as I finish, become bored with it, or you are all dead.