I don’t like to be uncharitable, because essentially, I’m a nice bloke.

There is a resident in our village though, who I can only describe as a pain in the hole.

He is boring, long winded, tight-fisted, miserable, depressed and generally guaranteed to drive anyone to drink. Everyone crosses the road to avoid him. Even the local priest. And he wanders around the village trying to trap people into conversation.

The local shops do a great trade because of him. People nip into shops to avoid him and then feel they have to buy something.

He doesn’t drink, but he haunts the pub, sipping his orange and looking like someone on the verge of suicide. We love sending tourists over to him. We tell them he is the local ‘character’, and full of tales of wisdom.

He trapped me the other day. After about two hours of boring conversation about the weather, and some GAA match or other [where I had to keep shifting to keep upwind of him – he hasn’t washed in years], he eventually got to the point. Apparently he had gotten his hands on a computer, and had the idea that I could set it up for him. Some b*st*rd had told him I had a computer.

Normally, I would have told him to f*ck off, but I had been saying “yes” at regular intervals [to make him think I was listening to him], and I found myself saying “yes” to his request.

Sh*t!

I went down this morning. The stench in the house was unbearable, and he kept waffling on about “the Match” [He’s always on about some bloody Match]. I worked quickly. I managed to connect him to the Interweb somehow. Then while he droned on in the background I whipped out a few credit cards I had “acquired”.

I signed him up for a couple of dozen hard core porn sites, and managed to find a few paedophile sites too. I used his real name and address, of course. I downloaded as many images as I could, and told him I was downloading the latest version of the Interweb. He now has a hard disk full of really nasty stuff. Even I was horrified at the images, and I’ve been around a while.

I left in a hurry. He, for once actually looked quite happy.

So now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a phone call to make before the local police station closes for the day…..