I’m back.

And I see in my absence the world has gone to the dogs.

My server attempted a takeover coup, which was unsuccessful, mainly to it not being able to spell ICBM. A little learning is a dangerous thing. I have forgiven it on the grounds that it has shown more initiative, gumption and balls than the Green Party. And the fact that it has somewhat inflated my coffers.

Mad Cow Harney is back destroying the Health Service. Ahern is appointing his pay-off cronies to high places. Dangerous criminals are being released from prison “by mistake”. And I hear Paris Hilton is on hunger strike? How do they know? Who gives a sh*t?

I honestly feel like the teacher who has nipped out of class for five minutes for a surreptitious fag hoping that the class can behave for a few minutes, only to return to discover that the classroom is on fire, and there are bodies everywhere. Can I not trust you all to do anything right without my guidance?

I’m back in the driving seat now, so you will all have to watch your backs.

As for myself? I had a great break thanks. It p*ss*d down most of the time, as I predicted, but I didn’t give a damn. I got p*ss*d too so that balanced things out. I only got drunk once [from Sunday evening to Thursday morning] so I behaved myself reasonably well. More on that anon.

On a side note, I switched on the wireless this morning. Ryan ‘Motor Mouth’ Tubridy thought he had discovered where I was staying. He moved his entire radio program over to The West to interview me. He thought he would catch me out. But I value my privacy and went before he arrived. So he had to make do with Peter O’Toole’s daughter instead. They broadcast from the remains of the pub where I had done some of my drinking.

You have to get up very early to catch Grandad out.