Ireland of the Welcomes
Everything seems to be starting earlier in the year.
The birds are nesting earlier. Insects are appearing earlier. Frogs are spawning earlier.
And of course, tourists are arriving earlier.
Our first tourist was spotted in early February. I wrote to the Irish Times about it to see if it was a record, but of course they didn’t print it.
This has led to some problems, as normally the Tourist Hunting Season doesn’t start until the 1st of May. But some of us have been getting edgy, so we have jumped the gun, so to speak.
We are basically a rural community, and as such have great regard for wildlife. We have no truck with those bastards who go hunting for deer, badgers or foxes. These are dumb animals who can’t speak for themselves, and hunting them is downright cruel. So we hunt tourists instead.
Tourists are arriving in ever increasing numbers. The government has done its best by inflating the price of everything to try to keep them out, but they are a major problem. They are filling up or roads, our hotels, our scenic spots and our pubs. They are loud and they are invasive.
Culling is the only answer. I know some of you will say it’s cruel, but it is for their own good. And we are as humane as possible. We don’t club them over the head or anything like that. We go for a good clean shot, or a quick road-kill. The numbers must be kept down, otherwise they will overrun the place and the indigenous species [the Irish] will be in endangered.
It is a very tricky sport, as tourists have an uncanny ability to disguise themselves as a native species. They have even stooped so low as to hire cars locally so that we can’t tell them by the registration plates. Fortunately the car hire companies have cooperated by putting identification stickers on their vehicles. In the end, they always give themselves away. Someone will produce a camera, or another will wear shorts in the heat of the moment. We know the signs.
Even though the season has only just started, I am racking up quite a good score.
Don’t you have a tracker for scobie killings as well? Image of hoodie should suffice?
We had a Scobie campaign a couple of years ago that was amazingly successful. We managed to eradicate the species entirely from the area.
A few of them managed to escape to the nearest town, where they have bred like rabbits, but they know this is a no-go area.
We are currently seeking a licence extension to cover non English speaking immigrants who work in shops.
Well Grandad the first time I was in Belfast I got off the plane on January the 7th so your february sighting wasnt a record except maybe for the south. Perhaps I am lucky I never made it across the border as a big blogger like me would have made any trophy hunter quick on the trigger.
I am glad for the warning though Grandad and I will begin to practice my blarney so that I can use it for camouflage in the event of encountering a local such as yourself.
Bear in mind though I am Canadian and where as you would be freezing away on a bitter Irish winter storm, I woud be luxuriating in the mild weather and balmy temperatures lol.
When you get on a plane and its -35 and get off it and its +8 the weather seems fine and dandy lol
Even though I hate having quotes thrown at me, I couldn’t resist:
We are currently seeking a licence extension to cover non English speaking immigrants who work in shops.
Good old fashioned anti-Treebaluchism – you just can’t beat it!
Grandad,
I am disappointed that you have made no impression upon the coach population. These beasts are a particular nuisance prowling roads where they cover the entire width and disgorging hordes of tourists at random and arbitrary locations. (If they can’t find anything interesting coach drivers make things up. I was on one of those bus tours around the city with an Indian friend and we went past St Patrick’s Cathedral. ‘St Patrick’s has the biggest peal of bells in the world’, he said. I pointed out to him afterwards that it was Christ Church that had the peal of nineteen bells to which he referred, he shrugged “Doesn’t matter)
@Sean – Belfast is outside the area covered by my hunting licence so you are safe. Don’t come here anyway, because i am currently in the garden basking in a 20 degree heat. You’d melt.
@Dario – Treebaluchism? Even Google hasn’t heard of that one.
@Ian – Could you please be patient? We are currently awaiting a consignment of RPGs from Liberia. We are reluctant to use them though, as they make a bit of a mess. We prefer to wait until the tourists disembark.
Treebalucha – a slang term for Eastern European, can be used in derogatory or derisory fashion, however, is used mostly as a general reference name for those of Eastern European origin, especially those who have a poor grasp of English.
Get the RPG-7s. The other ones are just too inaacurate from distance. Those damned Aussies got away … what with their dropping of Foster’s cans all round the town!
It’s a slang term I and my circle of family and friends use to describe them while in close proximity to them. We have a group of Eastern European neighbours, and if you say those damned Latvians better turn the music down, it’s 2am for fuck’s sake, they know who you’re talking about.
Those damned Treebaluchas though …
Ah! Fair enough. Don’t get me wrong – I have nothing against immigrants. Only the ones who are employed to deal with me in shops, call centres and the like and who can’t speak the effing language.
Have you ever tried miming ‘a pack of Mellow Virginia pipe tobacco’?
Grandad
I believe ‘roadkill’ is excellent on the compost heap, I wonder would your tourist trophies do the same job?
Ideal. And I’m doing a great trade in scap metal.
i am currently in the garden basking in a 20 degree heat. You’d melt.
OCChH AYE Grand da (hows my blarney sounding) it sounds like shorts weather to me grandad but i have a wee secret…..its 20 degrees here as well lol
we have colder winters and hotter summers than you poor Island folk. regularily gets above 30 from June till September must be that damn Global warming
I hope you enjoy your gardening as for me my idea of gardening is bringing home one of my bulldozers and using it to cut the grass
enidd wonders if there’s different numbers of points for different tourists? like, do americans score less because they’re easier to hit?
Of course there’s a points system. It’s sort of complicated, so I won’t go into it here but it’s based on location [you get fewer points outside a pub or at a tourist trap] and nationality. The rarer the nationality, the higher the points. Naturally British and Americans aren’t worth very much……
If you water the compost heap with plenty of recycled beer, your garden will be bloomin great!
As long as it’s recycled beer..!
Or Budweiser as it tastes like its all ready been recycled once
By horses, if their advertising is anything to go by.
our local councils have the dealing with excess tourists off to a fine art its called crypoto something-or-other ,it does have a difficult to deal with side effect,but over time they’ll work out the kinks.the up side is our cars are safe from the side effects of the whole roadkill thing!
I don’t think I have it as bad as you do. Canuk tourist hunting season doesn’t start until mid-June because they can’t dig their cars out of the snow until then. They are difficult to spot beause they camoflage themselves as tourists from Wisconsin but their license plates give them away. So if you happen to meet someone who is very nice and friendly and ends every sentence with, …dunt ya know, ‘eh, then you know you’ve found one. They tend to be found at, “Factory Outlet Stores” and almost anywhere near and in the town of Hershey.
Aussie’s don’t drink Fosters, we don’t even make it here any more. The English and Germans litter it around to fool you all into thinking you’ll get more points for a hit.
OCHH AYE Baino makes a fair point there. You must properly Identify your tourist before adding them to the score card, many americans prefer to tour the continent disguised as one of us rascally Canadians. Apparently the rareness the Canadian species has the americans jealous so they try to pass them selves off as their northern neighbours in an attempt to garner the prefered treatment afforded their rarer neighbours. We would for the most part not mind this but they invariably spoil the reputation of the superior beings
Sean – please stop trying to sound like a Scot. It won’t help because the score for a Scot and a Canadian is much the same.
Under the terms of the licence, culling a local is allowed if they are considered undesirable. So we are going to have a field day with politicians coming around before the election.
Yes they definately fit into the undesirable end of the gene pool. But the question when it comes to politicians are, do you try to field dress them and get a few hams out of them? Grind them for badger bait? or just throw them literature and all onto the compost pile ?And hope they don’t kill you, the dog or the compost pile?
See one question always leads to another so I think I will go have a lie down my mind is spinning and its too wee to be left out on its own
One word – landfill.
So to use your scoring system an Irish tourist would be of little or no value?
No value at all. They are just considered as locals who have strayed a bit out of their own territory.