I have been reading Granny Lost The Plot.
I don’t read it much because I am scared of what I might find. But I see Herself has been writing about Chick-Lit novels. She says she has written one of her own which came as a surprise. I didn’t know about that. She says it is about “love, desire, passion, witchcraft, devil worship, animal sacrifices, cannibalism, homophobia, arachnophobia, agoraphobia and macramé“.
This is an interesting combination, so I wondered if I could write one too, as everyone knows that Chick-Lit is dead easy to write.
So I wrote one, using the same themes.
I think it will be a best seller. All I have to do is put a pink cover on it.
Here it is:
Cecelia sat staring out the window of her gothic mansion, and sighed.
“Will I ever meet my true love?” she thought to herself.
She had been confined to the house ever since the onset of her agoraphobia and the chances of meeting the man of her dreams were slim.
“Oh Lord of Darkness” she whispered “Will you send me the means to find the love of my life?”
There was a sudden smell of sulphur and a black cat appeared on the floor at her feet.
“Why! Thank you, Great Satan” she cried as she swept the cat into her arms.
She ran down to the kitchens and cooked up her favourite spell of hogweed and bat’s wings in preparation for the sacrifice. After drinking her potion, she placed the mewling cat on the chopping board.
“Send me the man of my dreams” she cried as she swung the cleaver.
The cat’s head rolled onto the table and she realised she had cut off her hand too. She was a resourceful girl, so she took her severed hand and fried it up for breakfast. It was delicious. It tasted like pork.
Then she heard a knock on the kitched door. She opened the door and there stood the most handsome man she had ever seen. He towered over her petite figure, his broad shoulders rippling with muscles. He swept her into his arms.
“Oh Cecelia” he whispered “I have loved you from afar and have been afraid of rejection. But now I have the courage to declare myself”
“Oh why didn’t you come earlier” she asked “Are you homosexual? I hate them”
“Do I look like a homosexual?” he cried as he tore his trousers off.
she looked down at his massive manhood.
“It’s crawling with spiders” she screamed and ran out of the room up to the music room.
There she saw her probation officer, sitting in the window doing his macramé.
“Oh Cedric” she sobbed “I have had such a terrible fright”
“There there, Cecelia” he said as he took the stump of her arm in his hands. “I will mind you”
Cecelia looked at this imposing four foot high man and realised how blind she had been. She had been in love with him all along but hadn’t realised it.
She clasped him to her knees and wept.
She had found her true love.