Ireland’s oldest lap dancing club

I am writing this in the bowels of Newgrange waiting for the sun to rise.

For this is the Winter Solstice. It is half eight in the morning and I am freezing.

I like the Winter Solstice because it means the days are getting longer again. It is one of my favourite days of the year.

Of course the Druids had the same thought and this was one of their big days. Until the Christians came along and hi-jacked it. They were jealous that the Druids were having such a good time that they moved Christmas from September to December, just to spoil the fun.

Newgrange was built around 5,200 years ago. That’s impressive. I wonder how many of our present buildings will still be standing in the year 7,206? Not many. Most of them don’t last more than 50 years before some developer decides to buldoze them and build appartments instead.

It was originally thought that Newgrange was built as a burial mound. This is, in fact incorrect.

It has recently been discovered that Newgrange holds the distinction of being the world’s oldest lap-dancing club. The central chamber once had a central wooden pole for the dancers, and the side chambers were reserved for guests to hold orgies in. It was quite popular.

Unfortunately, the megalithic planners sited Newgrange some distance from the motorways and railways, so access was difficult. Hence the small size of the chamber. Two other lap-dancing clubs were built at Knowth and Dowth but were never a commercial success.

The symbols of spirals which have become synonymous with Newgrange of course represent the gyrations of the dancers around the pole. Either that, or the artists were too pissed to draw straight lines.

The significance of the mid winter sun shining down the passage is not fully understood, but theory has it that the Midwinter Solstice was the night of the greatest orgy of them all. The designers wisely decided to build in a natural alarm clock to wake the drunken satiated clients so they could get back to Dublin in time for work. In those days you could get from Newgrange to Dublin in an hour, because of course there wasn’t as much traffic.

It was Saint Patrick who finally closed Newgrange. He is said to have driven the snakes out of Ireland. This is in fact a mis-translation of the old Celtic word “senaché” meaning pole-dancer.

Time to get up

Well. The sun has risen now. Quite spectacular. Time to wander down to the nearest pub and see if I can thaw out the bits of me that have frozen.