I don’t know if it’s my age or what but I am becoming more intolerant of some smells.

There are some smells that I love – freshly cut grass, fried onions, honeysuckle [or woodbine or Lonicera or whatever-you-want-to-call-it]. The world is full of wonderful natural scents.

The smells that I have come to hate are the artificial ones.

Any smell that comes out of a can or bottle drives me mad. It gives me a headache. My eyes water. My nose stings.

I was going to say man-made smells, but frankly I would prefer B.O. to perfume or aftershave.

When they brought in that “no-smoking-in-pubs” crap, our local started using air freshener by the bucketload. They must have done some deal with a cheap factory in the Far East and imported tanker loads of the stuff. I couldn’t go in any more. Even walking past the place outside gave me a headache.

Even before the ban, I’d go to the gents, and no sooner would I start to do what I had to do than the air freshener thingy on the wall would give a little psssst. I’d have to run out. I nearly got done a couple of times for indecency.

The have ads on the telly. One shows a room in black and white. Then a woman comes in and plugs in an air freshener, and the room fills with colour. Birds, flowers and butterflies magically appear. What are they on? I’d be out of that room like greased lightning.

Herself is a sucker for the advertising. She gets the idea that sticking a yoke in a socket is going to bring peace, harmony, tranquility and beauty to a room. As soon as I sniff it [I can usually detect it as soon as she gets in the car from the shops], I throw it at the nearest passing tourist. The daft thing is that she hates artificial stinks too. I’ll never understand women and shopping.

It’s only the artificial ones that do it. I can stand all day by a field where they are spreading slurry. I can tolerate a lift full of flatulence [usually my own]. Rubbish bins hold no terrors. I don’t necessarily like them, but I can take them at a pinch.

But give me one whiff of aftershave, deodorant, air freshener, perfume or anything scented and I’m gone.

I was talking to a neighbour about this and she agreed with me. She said she’d rather the smell of old socks to air freshener.

So I am opening a new business. I am going to soak my old socks during their monthly wash and throw in my runners for good measure. Then I’m going to bottle the water. I’ll distil it a bit, and maybe add a drop or two of underarm. It should be quite pungent.

But it will be natural.