I’ve been having a little bit of trouble with my Internet connection. It has been grand for a long time, but it started to get a bit hairy this week. I asked my friend Ron about it and he suggested I phone the company.

So I rang them. I went through all the usual automatic switchboard rubbish and the piped music but finally got to speak to someone.

I told him my problem.

He did some tweaky things at his end and came up with the diagnosis [it’s wonderful what they can do with computers these days].

“Your aerial is faulty, and we’ll have to come out and fix it” says he.

Fair enough.

Yesterday they called out.

It was lashing rain and I felt a bit sorry for them, but they set to work anyway.

They found the problem straight away.

“Trees have grown into the line of the signal.”

So I got out my binoculars and showed them the mast in the distance. It was a bit misty but we could see it. There were no trees in the way!

They cursed [in Polish, I think].

They beavered away, running up and down ladders and in and out of the house and muttering about technical thingys. They got more and more annoyed looking. They didn’t seem to be doing much apart from making a mess of my floor. They rang their office a few times. They tried different aerials. They tried moving the aerial around a bit. They rang their office a few more times.

They eventually came up to me with big smiles on their faces and gave me the good news….

“We are sorry but the signal is not available in your area. We are going to remove all the equipment.”

I turned purple. Herself grabbed the phone in case the doctor might be necessary. The dog had a fit and bit the leg off the table.

“But I have had good service for a long time and it has only just failed, and you are not removing my equipment.”

“Yes” says he, “But the signal is not available”. Here was one of these “I’ve found my story and I’m sticking to it” chaps.

I demanded to speak to an engineer on the phone.

When I spoke to him, the engineer said the same thing.

“We are sorry but the signal is not available in your area.”

I was dangerously near a heart attack at this stage.

I restrained myself and patiently explained that I had great service up to this week and it had only just failed.

He tried to persuade me that it had been failing since September.

“Tuesday” says I.

So he sighed and asked to speak to one of the lads again.

They muttered in a huddle and said they would try again.

They faffed around a bit and did all the things they had done before. Then I realised that they were on the phone to the engineer again. I grabbed the phone.

“What the flip [or words to that effect] is going on?” says I.

He gave me a lot of bullsh*t and said that the lads were going to restore the system and leave.

“It’s fixed” says the lads.

I tested the signal on my PC. It was exactly the same as before they arrived.

“It’s not ****** fixed. It’s the ******* same ******** service as I had before you ********* came” says I.

They left anyway.

I phoned the office and raised merry hell. When I get going, I am a sight to behold. I am used as an example in most anger management schools [what not to say…].

I finally got it out of a manager…………..

They had “upgraded the system to enhance the service for existing and future customers, and this had degraded my signal so that it was no longer viable”.

“That doesn’t make sense. I am an existing customer and my service hasn’t been enhanced!”

“Sorry about that” says he, “but some of our remoter customers will lose service”.

Says I “But the upgrade took place last Thursday, and my service was grand ’till Tuesday.”

“No” says he, “you had very bad service since Thursday”. There was really no getting through to this bloke.

At this stage, the steam coming out my ears could have driven Poolbeg Power Station. Herself was trying to insert a Prozac drip-feed into my arm.

“Let me get this straight” says I. “I have a contract with you people. I have been getting a great service up ’till Tuesday with no complaints whatsoever. Now you ‘upgraded’ the service on the 16th to improve it. Since then I have been continuing the good service for an additional five days after your tweaking, but you say that a signal is no longer available in my area?”

“That’s right” says he. “You never had a good signal. And as a result of the upgrade it is degraded below the level of viability.”

“Would you like to talk about this on the radio?” says I, playing one of my trump cards.

There was a long silence. “Leave it with me” says he. “I’ll see what I can do”.

To be continued…………….