This is on the theme of road safety, but it is purely a rant. There are times when I have to let off steam and this is one of them.

What am I on about?

4 Wheel Drives, SUVs, call ’em what you like. They are a menace and a waste of space and resources.

Now don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the vehicles per se. They are only machines. When they are sitting in the showroom they look very nice [well, most of them]. Please, please please just leave them in the showroom. It’s when they get out on the roads that the problem starts.

It’s the prats who drive them that get me going. Almost without exception, the drivers are all the same. They are impressed with themselves. They are total egotists. They are arrogant mindless morons who think that because they can splash out ridiculous sums of money that they have “made it” and that the rest of us will be impressed.

Do you drive one and are you offended? Good. I haven’t even started yet….

4WDs were invented to allow for the driving across rough terrain. You know – getting the feed up to the sheep on the side of a mountain type of thing. They are great for that.

But then they became the Status Symbol.

Now you are no one unless you can drive little Samantha down to the playschool in the latest, biggest, most expensive vehicle.

4WDs are a disaster on the roads. They hog space. They burn fuel like it is a limitless resource. They are dangerous because they are so heavy. They serve no function except to feed the ego of the driver.

It is said that the size of a car is inversely proportional to the size of the drivers private parts. This must make all male 4WD drivers complete eunuchs. [What is the female equivalent to this? Are they commenting on the size of their partner’s equipment???]

Ireland has an incredibly high rate of 4WD ownership. I have driven in other countries, including the North, and they are a rarity there. Here, every second vehicle is a 4WD.

As I said yesterday, I was parked in our local village. When Herself goes shopping [yesterday, it was just for a cigarette lighter] I know I am in for a long wait, so I sit and watch the world go by.

In the space of half an hour [yes, Herself is a slow shopper] I saw some incredible things. 4WDs were the cause of 90% of traffic disruption. They parked on double yellow lines. They parked at bus stops. They double parked. They brought the village to a complete standstill at one stage [because, of course a 4WD will never reverse out of a situation that they themselves have caused]. And to cap it all, one reversed into me.

Aha, I hear you say. I am jealous of the big cars and I’m annoyed at being bumped?

Yes, I am annoyed at being bumped. But that was a trivial issue compared to the mayhem.

And no. I am not jealous. I had the opportunity to buy one recently. But I am happy with myself. I am confident enough in myself that I don’t have to bolster my ego. And I’m happy with the size of my manhood [can’t speak for Herself, but she’s never said anything derogatory]. I didn’t see the point in buying myself something that is going to cost a fortune in petrol, tax and insurance just to prove a point that doesn’t need proving. I got myself a Focus and I’m very happy with the choice.

I have two friends who drive 4WDs. They are excluded from the above. Why? Because they both drive 4WD trucks. One owns a shop and has to carry heavy produce around. The other is a landscape gardener and has to carry around gravel and the like [at 3 tons a go]. They are the people that 4WDs are designed for. They are ordinary nice people who have nothing to prove except that they have a business to run.

As for the rest of you – you are a waste of space.