Licence to print money

Head Rambles Posted on by 8

My driving licence expires in a week’s time.

I first got a licence back in ’66. That was just for a motor bike under 150cc which was fine as I only had a 50cc autocycle.

Then in ’71 I passed my car test and got my full licence. Wopee! The freedom of the open road in my little Mini.

For years I carried my little red plastic booklet around, dutifully renewing it every ten years. Somewhere around joining that fucking EU my licence was replaced with a little pink bit of paper with my photo on it. It didn’t feel the same. it looked cheap and shoddy. A couple of years ago I noticed that my ten year licence had been truncated and was only valid for nine years [though I still had paid for the full ten. It was because I had reached 70.

At seventy, a few things change. The first is that I have to renew every three years instead of ten. The other is that they had to scan me. This involved having to do a sixty mile round trip to get the scan. My licence had now shrunk into a little plastic card. At least it was more durable than the paper one.

My three years are up in a week or so’s time so I checked online to see what I needed to bring with me to renew the licence. They bragged that I could apply for the whole thing online so no sixty mile round trip. All I had to do was log into MyGov.

Now MyGov is one of those little websites the gubmint dreamed up a couple of years ago to make all government services available online. I stuck in my details and everything went well. I now had an ID but it wasn’t verified. To verify it I would have to go into the Welfare Office in Skobieville and show them my mobile phone to somehow prove I owned it. The logic there escaped me completely. Why not just send me a verification number like the bank does?

Yesterday I decided to try renewing my licence. Fine. All went well until it told me I had to connect via MyGov. Bugger! I had forgotten that bit. I logged into MyGov and to my surprise it said I was verified. I don’t know how that happened. Anyways I scrolled down to the “Renew a Driving Licence” bit. I clicked the button marked “Proceed”.

Nothing happened.

How could I possibly proceed when the Proceed button didn’t work?

I tried various tricks [such as looking at the source code]. Nada. Nothing. Dead button.

Then I had a brainwave. I fired up Chromium which is the Linux equivalent of Chrome. The fucking thing worked perfectly! I clicked on the Proceed button and in I went to the Licence section. I answered a few dozen questions and suddenly an image appeared showing my new licence as it will be. Even better it is free. That hasn’t happened before. I just have to wait for them to post it to me.

So the gubmint’s brilliant brainwave site does work but not in Firefox? One of the most basic rules in any web design is to make sure it works in all browsers and all platforms, yet they never tested it in Firefox? By my stats, the third most popular browser behind Chrome and Safari?

I have it on good authority [did I ever mention I have my own Deep Throat in the gubmint?] that the website cost a six figure sum and that they are paying out further six figure sums to an agency to run it.

And they can’t even design the fucking thing properly?

 

The new driving test

Head Rambles Posted on by 9

While I’m on the subject of dogs,,,,

A DOG BEHAVIOUR expert has called for a “mandatory theory test” to be introduced for people seeking to obtain a dog licence.

I’m not quite sure what a “dog behaviour expert” is but I think I would class them in the same category as “fashion adviser” or “eyebrow technician”. The poor girl even misspells her own name.

So we need a theory test before obtaining a dog licence; the rationale being that dogs can kill? Presumably then we will soon have driving tests before being allowed to purchase kitchen knives, gardening tools and just about any implement used by a builder? It’s a dangerous world out there and we must be protected from ourselves at all costs.

Of course our “expert” is overlooking a fundamental flaw in her theory. People who have dangerous dogs are generally people who don’t bother with dog licences. In fact I would imagine there are a hell of a lot of dog owners out there who never bothered with a licence anyway which makes the “test” somewhat of a daft idea. I could never understand what a dog licence is for anyway apart from robbing more cash out of a gullible public. What do you get in return for the licence? Nothing! If you got discounted dog-food or something like that I could see the point but otherwise it’s just another scam.

What intrigues me is the kind of questions they would ask in this “test”.

How many legs does a dog have? 2, 4, 6 or 8?

Does a dog go woof or meow?

Do you require this dog as a pet or a fashion accessory?

Which end do you put the food in? At the nose end or the tail end?

If a dog barks, does it mean he is angry, happy, no reason at all or all of the above?

If your dog shits in the street do you A) pick up the turd in a plastic bag and hang it off the nearest fence, B) kick the turd into the gutter or C) pretend it wasn’t your dog that did it?

Is a bitch a female dog, your wife / girlfriend or both?

All answers to be submitted along with the test fee of €100 [non-refundable]. Please note the test fee does not include the dog licence.

 

A friend in need

Head Rambles Posted on by 8

The nerves are a bit on the twitchy side today.

I have an appointment with the vet this afternoon, supposedly for Penny’s monthly arthritis injection. She was due it a week ago but I wanted to see the vet himself and if I had gone when due, the nurse would have dealt with us.

I went down to the village yesterday. Penny was a little apprehensive about jumping into the car but eventually took a flying leap. She is finding it increasingly difficult to make that maneuver. She trotted happily on our little walk which ended – you’ve guessed it – at the coffee shop.

My pal Dave joined us for a smoke, a chat and a mug of coffee. Penny had her chicken and all was right with the world.

But then I noticed Penny’s leg.

She has had this sore on her leg for a while and I had been putting on ointment and I thought it was getting better. However Penny is very clever at hiding that leg. She either lies on it of covers it with her tail. As she stood in the coffee shop I saw the sore and it looked a lot worse. Bugger!

The walk back to the car was a few hundred yards. We set off happily enough and Penny trotted along, getting slower and slower. We stopped fo a brief chat with a local and that’s when the trouble started. Penny had glued herself to the spot and refused to go any further. I gently pulled from the front. I gently pushed from the rear. Nothing would shift her. She just stared into the distance and refused to budge.

This was a bit of a problem. How the fuck was I supposed to get her home when the car was still some distance away? I decided to sit on the pavement beside her to give her a breather.

Eventually she agreed to walk back to the car, very slowly. Then when we got to the car she flatly refused to jump in. In the end I picked her up and lifted her in. This was quite a remarkable event as it’s the first time she ever let me pick her up. When we got home she again refused to jump out of the car. Once again she let me lift her down. At this stage she was limping. Something is seriously wrong.

We don’t know how old Penny is as she’s a rescue dog with no previous history. We know she’s getting on a bit now and is showing signs which are increasing by the week. I’m now used to mopping up puddles in the house and chucking turds into the garden. I know she has arthritis which makes her walk like John Wayne, but the limping and the refusal to walk any distance and the refusal to jump in or out of the car are new. Obviously she hurting but is trying to hide it. The growth on her leg suddenly looks quite ugly too.

I am not looking forward to the visit this afternoon. It could be something serious bit equally could be something trivial.

I’m fearing the worst but hoping for the best.

 

February

Head Rambles Posted on by 5

I like February.

Or Febry as the RTE newsreaders like to call it.

There is something grey and depressing about January. It drags on interminably and for some reason a lot of bills become due then. Even my car test was due at the beginning of the month but due to an insane backlog the first appointment I could get is mid-summer.

The only good thing about January is that the days are very noticeably longer, by an hour or so in the evening, weather permitting. Lights go on after five instead of at four.

February on the other hand seems a lot brighter, and not lust literally. It’s the month when spring really kicks into gear and Nature knows it. Birds are singing their heads off as they claim various parts of the domain [demesne?] for themselves. In particular the place seems to be a favourite for the Robins – I reckon we are about to host many families and that’s grand. I love their cheerful little song. I’m hoping for a few Blackbirds too so they can whistle their heads off at the tops of the trees.

I noticed the other day that the Daffodils are several inches above ground which is a few weeks early. The Snowdrops of course are in full flower but no sign yet of frogspawn – the frogs are due in the next couple of weeks.

February this year is a little bit of a milestone for me. I won’t say why because I don’t want to tempt fate. I’m not superstitious but….

Anyways, I think I might trot down for a coffee later.as a little celebration