Think of the cheeeeldren

So it looks like the UK is going to ban smoking in cars with children present?

Laying aside the fact that as a child I was driven countless miles in a smoke filled car and it never did my an iota of harm, this is an insane law.

It is insane on so many levels.

Firstly and most importantly it will be impossible to enforce.  Kids sitting in the back of a car are all but invisible to a casual bystander.  To be enforced, the police would have to set up road blocks to check all vehicles which is a waste of their and the motorist’s time.

The new laws propose that the driver of the car is “responsible” for the behavior of his [or her] passengers.  It is to by my responsibility to nag and bully an adult passenger if there are kids in the back?  So while a smoker can be fined £800 for smoking, the driver can be fined £10,000, not for smoking but for failing to enforce a law?  It is not my job to enforce any laws and no amount of blackmailing is going to force me into doing something which I find morally repugnant.

We all know where this is heading of course?

Only the simplest of minds could fail to predict a total ban on smoking in all cars whether there are children are present or not.  It will be brought in either “to protect the health of the adults” or “because it was too difficult to enforce the ban where children are present”.  So technically I could be driving along, minding my own business and puffing my pipe, and I can be stopped and fined for the sake of my health?  Is the secondary smoke more dangerous than the primary?  Will it be illegal to do something legal?

If these insane laws are brought in in this country [which I have no doubt they will] I have a few options open to me.

I can get tinted glass for my car.

Or a cheaper option would be to simply ban children for my car.  Let the little bastards walk.

I am already working on a little windscreen notice to that effect.

No Children Smoking Area

And if they bring in a total ban on smoking in cars, I'll see 'em in court.

Forecasting the future

I thought today was going to be a relatively quiet one.

How wrong I was..

This is the first chance I’ve had to relax and do nothing since I got up.

I knew I was going down to the village today [it was the other stuff I didn’t know about, but that’s another story that I’ll keep to myself].  Being the type of bloke who likes to think ahead I looked up the weather forecast last night.

It was grand.  Nice and dry with rain spreading up from the South West later in the evening.  No need for a coat then.

You see, I trust our weather service because they have a little note underneath their forecasts -

The information presented here is derived from Numerical Weather Prediction (NWP) models used in Met Eireann as forecaster guidance. Information for up to 5 days ahead comes from the ECMWF model, presented at 6-hourly intervals. The official forecast may not always reflect the guidance charts illustrated; the forecasters also consider information from satellite, radar and weather observations, in addition to the application of their own experience.

With all that incredible technology and experience how could they possibly be wrong when they were predicting a mere fourteen hours or so ahead?

It pissed down all afternoon.

Fucking cats and dogs from lunchtime onwards.

Lashing stair-rods, it was.

And these are the computer models that are predicting the next ice age global warming catastrophic climate change?

They can’t even predict what’s going to happen the next day?

They can kiss my rain-sodden arse.

Celebrating the C word

I see the flood gates have finally opened.

Television is beginning to fill up with crappy advertisements for crappy products that are either supposed to make the Big Day perfect, or else tacky shit that will keep the Rugrats happy for about five minutes until the batteries run out.

It never ceases to amaze me the range of products that apparently required for that perfect day.  Whether it’s a new suite of furniture or a voucher for your favourite American burger joint, they all seem to be absolutely essential or else the Big Day will be ruined.  I’m just waiting for the undertakers to start advertising.  Everyone else seems to be in on the act.

When it comes to the crap they try to flog off to the kids, I notice every single item “will stimulate your child’s imagination”.  They are probably right.  When the batteries run out and the kids are left with a useless lump of plastic they probably will spend the rest of the day wondering what happened to the toy they really wanted.  They will spend the day playing with the box, so I suppose you could class that as mental stimulation?

One company is harping back to the Old Days.  They are trying to persuade all parents to buy a bike for their kids.  This one I can actually endorse.  I am all for bicycles [provided the kids don’t wear Lycra or banana hats, and keep off the fucking road], but most parents these days will pass on them as there are too many paedophiles and kidnappers around, and we must think of the cheeeeldren.

The advertisement for the bicycles poses a tagline in the form of a question – something along the lines of “What can beat a bike?”


A ten ton truck.


It’s a snip

I just discovered [by accident] that this is World Vasectomy Day.

What the fuck?

Are we supposed to celebrate it by having our nadgers disconnected?

Are those who have had the snip supposed to walk around displaying their scars?  [*shudder*]

Is it supposed to “increase awareness” of vasectomies?  That’s the usual mind grindingly stupid reason they give for these “days”.  If so they can go fuck themselves [even if they are firing blanks].  I am well aware of what a vasectomy is and it doesn’t feature very highly on my bucket list.  In fact I am quite willing to meet my maker with a scrotum intactum.

If some bloke wants to cut off his fuel supply then that’s fine by me, but I really honestly don’t want to know about it.  I’m not interested. 

Mind you, the Son-in-Law said he might call around today.

I might just mention in passing the festive day that’s in it?

A nod’s as good as a wink?

Happiness is healthy

I was sent an article yesterday [thanks, Ian].

It was a piece by David Hockney in the Financial Times -

Tobacco killjoys are less healthy than the smokers they ban

It’s an excellently written article, well worth a read and I agree with everything he says, but the headline intrigued me.

The Anti-Smoker Brigade are constantly telling us about the incredible damage we are doing to ourselves.  Half of all smokers will die [presumably then the other half are immortal?].  Smoking causes fourteen million conditions.  We are all going to die a horribly painful death from cancer and heart disease not to mention everything else from Athlete’s Foot up to and including Ebola.

But what about the Anti-Smokers, the Health Nazis and the Fitness Freaks?

Every single one of them is going to die also, and ironically a significant number will die from cancer and heart disease.  In fact they will grossly outnumber the smokers in the cancer and heart clinics.  How will they feel when they get that diagnosis?  Will they go into complete denial saying they cannot possibly have those fatal conditions because they don’t smoke?  Will they at last see that they could have lived a life of non-denial because in the end all that abstinence and all those punishing hours on the treadmill meant nothing?  Will some idiot claim he caught cancer from watching someone smoke in a film?  Will some of the more rabid fanatics even claim on their deathbed to be smokers in a last ditch attempt to distort the figures?

Even in life they are subject to the same illnesses that plague the world.  They too will have coughs, colds and the ‘flu.  They too will suffer the myriad of little irritations that infect us all.  Unfortunately for them there is no single ailment that is unique to smokers, so whatever we get, they get.  It’s as simple as that.

The sad fact is that we are all going to die, and surprisingly enough that includes the Health Nazis.  Yes, they too are going to die, and they are subject to the same roll of the dice as the rest of us.  Just because they have preached the Gospel of Healthy Lifestyle and Abstinence doesn’t exempt them from any of the little nasties that fate has in store.  Can you imagine the frustration in the mind of an Anti-Smoker as he dies of cancer?

I wonder if, as they head towards that great white light how many are going to regret the fact that it was all in vain and they really should have concentrated more on carefree happiness rather than obsessive abstemious lifestyles?

Contrary to what they would have you believe – a healthy lifestyle does not guarantee eternal life.