Astounding new survey

An astounding new report is published today in the scientific journal "Head Rambles".

This peer reviewed [by me] report analyses the opinions of a very large section of society, ranging from Male through to Female.  It is inherently accurate as it is based on the tried and tested techniques as used by Tobacco Control.

Unlike Tobacco Control however, we are publishing the full data in order to back up our conclusions.

Q1. How do you rate the site content?

Survey answer 1

The astounding conclusion from this result is that no one thought the site was bad, woeful or terrible.  In fact the lowest rating was "Good" with the majority voting for the Nova choice which confuses us a bit as we're not sure what the choice really means.

Q2. Given that attractive packaging attracts children, do you think the design of the site should be changed?

Survey answer 2

Given the immense quantity and quality of research into the harmful effects of fancy packaging, we are a little confused by this result, but then surveys never lie?

Q3. How do you rate the level of humour on the site?

Survey answer 3

This is an interesting result as it demonstrates that the majority voted for a misspelled option.  Psychologists are to conduct further research into this phenomenon [subject to sufficient finding].

Q4. Assuming you have a spare nuclear device, who would you drop it on?

Survey answer 4

Surprisingly the Tobacco Control Industry doesn't fare too well in this response.  At least mothers-in-law are relatively safe.  [We are to offer counseling to the two last respondents]

Q5. Do you smoke?

Survey answer 5

This was a straightforward question with a straightforward answer.

Q6. How many cigarettes do you smoke in a day?

Survey answer 6

This was an interesting response.  Of the 54 respondents from Q5, 84 of them are smokers, showing that 32.14% of non-smokers smoke more than 200 cigarettes a day.  Who would have thought it? [WHO would have thought it!]

Q7. If asked if you would like to quit smoking would you …

Survey answer 7

Once again we are a little surprised at this response.  Obviously there is an intolerant attitude within the general public with a remarkable propensity towards violence.

Q8. Who is the biggest cunt? [tick all that apply]

Survey answer 8

This result surprised even the most hardened analysts amongst us.  All three choices were selected despite quite a few not knowing who the three choices are.  Once again, this indicates a distinct level of hostility amongst the respondents.

Q9. Have you answered all questions fully and honestly

Survey answer 9

This is possibly the most important question and we are delighted to notice that not one respondent answered "no".

Conclusions: ?

Hello World

I was sitting here last night when I noticed something.

I had put the new router for the new broadband on the floor.  I had left it switched on and it was connected to the phone line but nothing else.  Its wireless was running so I could see its control panel from my laptop but fuck all else, and there were two little lights gleaming – power and wireless.

Last night though it started to flash.  I went over and another little light called DSL was blinking every so often.  I checked the control panel but it still said no DSL or broadband.  Maybe they were only half connecting me?  Would I have to wait another week?

This morning I was up early [damned weird sleeping habits again!] and had a look at the router.  It was still giving those little flashes and fuck all else.

I decided to investigate.

I discovered I had made a tiny mistake.  There is a little splitter yoke, and I had plugged the phone into the router socket and the router into the phone socket.  I switched them around.  The DSL light stopped flashing and shone steadily and the one beside it marked "broadband" was now glowing as well.  I checked the control panel and all was sweet.

You'd think that was the end of my troubles but it was only the start.

You see I had decided to stick the router in the sitting room instead of the junk room office, and all the cables radiated from the junk room office all around the house.  But that was no longer the central hub.  So I had to do a quare bit of re-running of cables.  And then I had to run around reconfiguring everything as a lot of the settings had changed.

There were two devices I was concerned about.  One was the Interweb radio Herself uses.  If I left that without a signal it would be akin to sticking needles into a tiger.  The other was her laptop.  If she couldn't get into Farcebook then I might as well phone the Lads in White Coats now to collect her for the Happy House.  Or else an ambulance for myself.

It's all nearly sorted now.  The old connection is now unplugged and unused for the first time in years.  The new system is running smoothly enough.  I'm getting about four times the download speed and about one sixth up, which is something I'll have to get used to I suppose.  Luckily I don't upload pirated videos?

All I have to do now is clear up the mess of cables everywhere.

I wonder when the fibre is coming?


The Reverse Second Hand Effect

Those researchers really are amazing.

They never cease to astound me in their quest for knowledge and the new discoveries they keep revealing.

Take for example the Second Hand phenomenon.

First they invented Second Hand smoke.  It had been around for centuries not harming anyone when suddenly they discovered it was lethal and was causing heart attacks and cancer after only a few seconds exposure.  To turn something harmless into something so deadly was quite an achievement and I really have to hand it to them.

They went on of course to prove that there was second hand alcohol and their astounding discovery of Second Hand Obesity.  The latter is of course the scientific fact that if you hang around with your astonishingly obese friend that you'll become astonishingly obese yourself.  Now I find that hard to swallow [if you’ll pardon the expression] but if the researchers say it is fact, then it has to be true.

But now they have discovered the Reverse Second Hand Effect.  Yes – obese people who dally with non-obese become non-obese themselves.

Now, if I hang around with my morbidly obese friend he is the one who loses the weight because my weight is normal.  It's a sort of Second Hand Normality, or even Second Hand Anorexia.  But the problem is that I have been hanging around with him and therefore I have become obese through the original Second Hand Effect.  So now he's thin and I'm fat.  And now the cycle goes into reverse and he starts putting on weight [catching my obesity] and I start to lose it [catching his normality].  So over the months our weights gently undulate from one extreme to the other.

Presumably this phenomenon will spread to other fields as well [but they haven’t invented it just yet].  They will discover that alcoholics who hang around with teetotalers will become teetotalers themselves.  But in the meantime the teetotalers will have become alcoholics.

And what about smoking?  Will they discover that mixing smokers with non-smokers will cause smokers to quit through the Reverse Second Hand Effect?  Will smokers be forced against their will to smoke in pubs and workplaces so that they catch the non-smoking effect?  Or would all the non-smokers become smokers and the gentle swaying from one state to the other start there too?

Where will this all end?  What else is catching?  I'm becoming quite concerned.

I'm steering well clear of red-heads though.

You can't be too careful these days.