When everything goes down the toilet

It's strange how bothersome things seem to travel in convoys.

I was minding my own business yesterday in good form and at peace with the world when I got an email.  It informed me that this site was down.  I checked the site and it was fine, so I went back to whatever nothing I had been doing.  Then I got another mail saying the site was up again.  I ignored it as the site was fine.  But then another arrived – down again.  Fuck!

As the afternoon wore on, I received a chain of emails from the service that was monitoring the site.  Apparently it was going up and down like a fiddler's elbow, but it was fine for me.  I could see it perfectly well and assumed there was something wrong with the monitor, but then a friend wrote from the old US of A and said he couldn't access the site.  So it was down for him but not for me?  Fuck fuck!

I started throwing switches in the engine room and unplugging things.  Nothing made any difference.  I tried replacing stuff and kicking it.  No joy.

Then I had to leave everything and go down to the village as I was supposed to meet a woman down there.  I had never met this woman [she was some friend of Herself] and I didn’t know what she looked like or even her approximate age.  All I knew was her first name, that she was reasonably female, and the time we were supposed to meet.  She never turned up.  I waited for over half an hour which wasn’t too bad as I had the perfect excuse to chat up every woman who passed by.  I did get chatted up by a couple of priests [they were undercover ones in plain clothes but I can spot a priest a mile off] which to put it very mildly was a barrel full of strangeness.

So back home again to try to fix a problem on the site that I couldn't see.

Quite late on in the evening I managed to get the site running again.  I haven't a fucking clue what I did or how I did it – I just went through the site with a flame-thrower obliterating chunks and hoping for the best.

This morning I started riffling through the charred remains.  I eventually found the problem.  One fucking line of code that had been there for months, or even years and is considered essential by all the experts.  That same line of code is in God knows how many other sites but for some weird reason, my little line had gone bolshie on me.

So my troubles were over at last.

Then I discovered that the sewer is backing up and it's pissing rain outside.  It's probably all the charred remains of the website I flushed down the toilet.

I am not in the mood for shit shoveling down manholes while it pisses rain on me.  it can damn well wait.

I just hope I won't need a dump today.

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When everything goes down the toilet — 10 Comments

  1. That same line of code is in God knows how many other sites but for some weird reason, my little line had gone bolshie on me.

    So my troubles were over at last.

    Then I discovered that the sewer is backing up and it’s pissing rain outside. It’s probably all the charred remains of the website I flushed down the toilet.

    Only a techie could have issues in that combination.

    • Or a plumber?  Damn but I could do with a plumber!  I do NOT fancy wading around in my own liquid while rodding a drain.

      And why the hell is my Spellchecker whinging about "rodding"?  It wants me to go ridding my pipes.  Twat!

  2. Couldn't  see you from this side of the Channel yesterday either, Grandad.  Kept getting the "500" notice.

    'Tis muck spreading season over here so maybe they have pitched it too far hence your problem?  😀  Nothing like muck spreading with temperatures in the 90's to get the full steaming smell of cow shit  aroma!

    • Unfortunately it's likely to be muck spreading season here too if that sewer backs up any further.  At least it's relatively cool here.  Damn but I wish I was in France right now!

  3. Can you elaborate on the issue. Was it WP, theme or add on issue. Care to share in case we have that on our sites. I'm going with add on, just on percentages, but would like to know.

    • Welcome, m'lud!  You want the dirty details?

      It was an entry in the root .htaccess file.  I can't remember whether I manually added it or it was done by a plugin –

      <IfModule mod_expires.c>
        ExpiresActive on

      # Your document html
        ExpiresByType text/html "access plus 0 seconds"

      # Media: images, video, audio
        ExpiresByType audio/ogg "access plus 1 month"
        ExpiresByType image/gif "access plus 1 month"
        ExpiresByType image/jpeg "access plus 1 month"
      etc etc etc

      The offending line was the text/html one.  I commented that out and the site jumped to life once more.  I did a search around for mention of the line and all results seemed to think it's grand.  But it wasn't!  A bit of a mystery, especially as it had been there for a long time.  It must have triggered a conflict somewhere?

  4. "There have always been ghosts in the machine. Random segments of code, that have grouped together to form unexpected protocols." (Dr Alfred Lanning, iRobot)

    Perhaps the code behind the scenes of HR is evolving on it's own?

    It sounds like those "priests" in plain clothes might have been "Witnesses" or perhaps Mormons. I mean,what would the world be coming to if the priests all went around in civvies?

    And the "city" road workers around here just finished tearing up a good long section of my road so they could replace the last section of a sewer line that was first put in probably around 200 BC or so (or maybe 100 years ago?). I guess they got sick and tired of having to bring the "chaser" truck around every 2 or 3 months just to blow the line out. Now we're just waiting on the paving.

    Glad HR is back up. I missed it.

    • They were good staunch Catherlicks  I got suspicious when they started extolling the virtues of the local church and asking who the priest was.  Seeing as I hadn't been in the church for donkey's years, that was a short conversation.  They liked Penny though!

      I think my sewage problem is less one of old pipes and more down to my excellent cooking skills.

  5. GD Re interweb troubles :

    For the last two days I have been unable to access your Twitter links and instead been getting this

    this goo.gl shortlink has been disabled. It was found to be violating our Terms of Service. Click here and here for more information about our terms and policies respectively.

    Couldn't believe that you had upset anybody or made any scurrilous remarks (ahem) so decided to contact you via your website.Unfortunately I'm not knowledgeable in this area but thought it might have some bearing on your problems.

    I will Tweet your website url for anybody else unable to read your Tweets

    • I honestly don't know what that is about.  For some reason they have taken against Rambles and are blocking all links.

      Damn!  Now I have to find a way around that.

      Thanks for your tweeting.  Very much appreciated!

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