Astounding new survey

An astounding new report is published today in the scientific journal "Head Rambles".

This peer reviewed [by me] report analyses the opinions of a very large section of society, ranging from Male through to Female.  It is inherently accurate as it is based on the tried and tested techniques as used by Tobacco Control.

Unlike Tobacco Control however, we are publishing the full data in order to back up our conclusions.

Q1. How do you rate the site content?

Survey answer 1

The astounding conclusion from this result is that no one thought the site was bad, woeful or terrible.  In fact the lowest rating was "Good" with the majority voting for the Nova choice which confuses us a bit as we're not sure what the choice really means.

Q2. Given that attractive packaging attracts children, do you think the design of the site should be changed?

Survey answer 2

Given the immense quantity and quality of research into the harmful effects of fancy packaging, we are a little confused by this result, but then surveys never lie?

Q3. How do you rate the level of humour on the site?

Survey answer 3

This is an interesting result as it demonstrates that the majority voted for a misspelled option.  Psychologists are to conduct further research into this phenomenon [subject to sufficient finding].

Q4. Assuming you have a spare nuclear device, who would you drop it on?

Survey answer 4

Surprisingly the Tobacco Control Industry doesn't fare too well in this response.  At least mothers-in-law are relatively safe.  [We are to offer counseling to the two last respondents]

Q5. Do you smoke?

Survey answer 5

This was a straightforward question with a straightforward answer.

Q6. How many cigarettes do you smoke in a day?

Survey answer 6

This was an interesting response.  Of the 54 respondents from Q5, 84 of them are smokers, showing that 32.14% of non-smokers smoke more than 200 cigarettes a day.  Who would have thought it? [WHO would have thought it!]

Q7. If asked if you would like to quit smoking would you …

Survey answer 7

Once again we are a little surprised at this response.  Obviously there is an intolerant attitude within the general public with a remarkable propensity towards violence.

Q8. Who is the biggest cunt? [tick all that apply]

Survey answer 8

This result surprised even the most hardened analysts amongst us.  All three choices were selected despite quite a few not knowing who the three choices are.  Once again, this indicates a distinct level of hostility amongst the respondents.

Q9. Have you answered all questions fully and honestly

Survey answer 9

This is possibly the most important question and we are delighted to notice that not one respondent answered "no".

Conclusions: ?

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Comments

Astounding new survey — 15 Comments

    • Agreed – and the British Medical Journal – and do a press release for the Daily Mail.

      It's far more objective than most of the trash any of them publish, especially the putrid muck that Tobacco Control churns out.

  1. I am in agreement with the unsurprising findings of the report, but you state in the formal preamble that it analyses "the opinions of a very large section of society, ranging from Male through to Female." There may be whelps of protest from pet animals and transsexuals that their balancing views on the matter have not been included in your elaborate statistical calculation. In Q4 there is good news about the state of health of the extended family based on marriage between a man and a woman [the Good Book countenances no other combination] . Only 2.38% of respondents said that they would drop a spare nuclear device on their mother-in-law. Minimal 'fall-out' haha. I am glad that family pets were an unthinkable target in the survey.

    • Male is at one extreme end of the spectrum and female is at the other.  In between the two there seems to be an increasingly large number of strange options.

      I was surprised at the low count for the Mother-in-Law.  But there again she's up against some pretty stiff opposition.  Or maybe those voters just did my trick of putting in the least likely answer?

  2. Sounds legit to me.

    [Also, I do enjoy having to fill in all my details again every comment, it refusing to remember them.]

  3. The results just prove what I've always known about surveys. And as soon as I remember what that was I'll post back.

    In the meantime, I think I'll do a survey of my own. It will have one question only.

    Are you male or female?

    Yes

    No

    That ought to raise the eyebrows of a certain community of people while confusing the hell out of the rest.

  4. I voted "hail arious!" just because it was spelled wrong.  It could also be a greeting ..or maybe a trick question.  As the old witch  ma-in-law is pushing up daisies there's no point in wasting a nuke is there?  so WHO it is! 😀 Worthy of Gallup 😉

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