An astounding new report is published today in the scientific journal "Head Rambles".
This peer reviewed [by me] report analyses the opinions of a very large section of society, ranging from Male through to Female. It is inherently accurate as it is based on the tried and tested techniques as used by Tobacco Control.
Unlike Tobacco Control however, we are publishing the full data in order to back up our conclusions.
Q1. How do you rate the site content?
The astounding conclusion from this result is that no one thought the site was bad, woeful or terrible. In fact the lowest rating was "Good" with the majority voting for the Nova choice which confuses us a bit as we're not sure what the choice really means.
Q2. Given that attractive packaging attracts children, do you think the design of the site should be changed?
Given the immense quantity and quality of research into the harmful effects of fancy packaging, we are a little confused by this result, but then surveys never lie?
Q3. How do you rate the level of humour on the site?
This is an interesting result as it demonstrates that the majority voted for a misspelled option. Psychologists are to conduct further research into this phenomenon [subject to sufficient finding].
Q4. Assuming you have a spare nuclear device, who would you drop it on?
Surprisingly the Tobacco Control Industry doesn't fare too well in this response. At least mothers-in-law are relatively safe. [We are to offer counseling to the two last respondents]
Q5. Do you smoke?
This was a straightforward question with a straightforward answer.
Q6. How many cigarettes do you smoke in a day?
This was an interesting response. Of the 54 respondents from Q5, 84 of them are smokers, showing that 32.14% of non-smokers smoke more than 200 cigarettes a day. Who would have thought it? [WHO would have thought it!]
Q7. If asked if you would like to quit smoking would you …
Once again we are a little surprised at this response. Obviously there is an intolerant attitude within the general public with a remarkable propensity towards violence.
Q8. Who is the biggest cunt? [tick all that apply]
This result surprised even the most hardened analysts amongst us. All three choices were selected despite quite a few not knowing who the three choices are. Once again, this indicates a distinct level of hostility amongst the respondents.
Q9. Have you answered all questions fully and honestly
This is possibly the most important question and we are delighted to notice that not one respondent answered "no".