There will be no such thing as smoking

In surprise announcement that surprised nobody, the WHO last night urged that the word "smoking" be removed from all languages from the 1st March next.

In addition, they want a total ban on the words cigarette, pipe, hookah, tobacco, ashtray, fag [except when referring to homosexuals], butt [see “fag”], ashtray, cigar and inhale.  

Research from the University of California suggests that 100% of smokers were aware of those words before indulging in the deadly addiction and that the use of the words was a pernicious ploy on the part of Big Tobacco to force children to buy their products.

Starting from today, all books will have the blacklisted words removed and replaced with "health" and its grammatical variants in all languages.  For example "He lit his cigarette and blew a stream of smoke to the ceiling" will become "He lit his health and blew a stream of health to the ceiling".  This will remind people that they should be concerned with their health rather than simple pleasures.

The "health substitution" law will also apply to speech, so as and from March customers will be obliged to ask for "20 healths" at their tobacconists [or a packet of health, in the case of pipe smokers].

Similarly, all films and television programmes will have the offensive words bleeped out and residual visual cues will entail an "over 65" rating.

A spokesman from the World Health Organisation said in a press statement that "this was the endgame for Big Tobacco.  They have been recruiting our children by the use of these evil words which are nothing short of blatant and subliminal advertising, and this has to stop".

When asked about penalties for the use of the soon-to-be-banned words the spokesman smirked.  "We have been saying for years that smoking kills and we mean to make this a literal fact.  The use of those words will of course incur the death penalty.

When asked for a comment, the Tobacco Industry replied that they weren't worried.  "The WHO has just run out of ideas and is getting desperate.

They're only a shower of unelected fucking cunts anyway."

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There will be no such thing as smoking — 32 Comments

  1. Ahh, well ya' got me good!  I thought it was for real as I started reading it.  It's something I wouldn't put past the UN or the EU gubmint.


  2. Big Brother deems that the word unhappiness shall cease to be used. You shall be happy or else. The Ministry of Defence exists to attack, and the Ministry of Peace promotes war. I am happy with all the terminological inexactitudes. 

  3. One slight correction, (surely).

    "You light your health and exhale well-being" and the great part of it is, you can refer to it collectively as "exercise."

    • That could work very well.  They'd then have to start issuing edicts against all forms of exerise.  I could live with that.

    • OK, Rickie or Dickie or whatever you want to call yourself.  I am going to be nice and polite as you are a new visitor [to this site anyway].

      FUCK OFF

      I have never banned anyone from this site before, nor have I deleted a comment but there has to be a first time for everything.

      I do not appreciate trolls and even less I do not appreciate cunts who masquerade as honest, decent regulars to this site.


  4. OK Everyone………

    As you may have gathered, I seem to have come to the attention of a pea-brain who some of you will know as Rickie or Dickie Doubleday. 

    He is an irritating troll, infamous on the free-speech circuit who has absolutely nothing to contribute to any intelligent conversation and just delights in insulting everyone.

    Unfortunately as he is masquerading as genuine users, I have no option but to introduce moderation on all comments.


  5. Come know with governments around the world putting tolls on bridges, where else are trolls suppose to go but the internet? I guess they could try to get jobs at call centers or go into politics, but even trolls have some morals. 

  6. He's a brainless twat with nothing better to do than insult and blackmail, or at least try to. He's not even very good at that. He's the obnoxious child that yammers, screams and has tantrums when you're trying to have an intelligent conversation, because nobody is paying any attention to him. His parents should have taught him how to behave, but it's obviously too late for that now. A few sharp clips round the ear when he was young might have taught him some manners. As it is, he's locked into a juvenile and charmless mindset. I don't see much hope for him.

    • He is a massive pain in the hole.  Now I have to check the moderation queue for every comment.  He's using the Tor network so I can't mask his address range.  It may be inconvenient but I'm a stubborn old fart.

      • Yes, I guess the Tor network is the only way he can deliver his ad homs these days. He was thoroughly routed by Longrider and a couple of others a few years ago, so now he has to try to sneak in by the back door. I expect he thinks he's being very clever, because Tor is a hard nut to crack. Sad is the word that comes to mind where he's concerned.

  7. Their absolutely insane,thats nothing but the king wears no clothes syndrome but everyone knows better than to say it for fear of retaliation.

    • Damn!  How come every time I come up with some far fetched ridiculous idea for a post, someone beats me to it in real life?  I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

      I'm off to smoke a chicken.

  8. Oh great, healthed bacon, sausages, salmon and goodness knows how they'll describe kippers. Mind you if they banned the word ash… !

    And Tricky, Dicky, Ricky.

    • Hmmmm.  An interesting suggestion – "A well-written response might just open the troll’s eyes and change their ways."  Tried that. Didn't work.  And I though my reply was very friendly and courteous?

      • While we're on the subject of well-known trolls, has anyone heard anything lately from David from New Mills?  He used to be very vocal on sites like these which dared to criticise his beloved anti-smoking movement in any way, but I haven't seen any sign of him for quite a long time now (thankfully).  Maybe he and Tricky Rickie/Dickie are one and the same person … but if so, I wonder why our Rickie isn't using both aliases any more.

        Just wonderin' …

        • I haven't come across that one.  I confess to being [a little bit] honoured by a visit from our Trickie Dickie Rickie though – it means I have graduated to the Big League.  I had been feeling quite left out of things.

    •  There are quite a few words [running to the thousands I would imagine] that would amount to “cultural invasion” of the West?  I wish them luck with that one!

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